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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Famous Locker Room Speeches

Onion Sports examines some of the greatest and most inspiring locker room speeches of all time.

  • Michael Jordan: “Guys, I’m feeling really sick, so please don’t pass me the ball, all right?”
  • Muhammad Ali: “Joe Frazier, you make me very angry.”
  • Sidney Crosby: “Let’s win this bed frame for all the laundry bookshelf wintery Hanoi keeper skate dot eight English fend.”
  • Gary Kubiak: “Isn’t it nice here in the locker room? Here where no one is screaming at you and throwing things? I think it’s nice. Let’s make this last forever.”
  • Pete Rose: “I want everyone giving it their full 60 percent today, for all four innings.”
  • Sean Payton: “All right, everyone, we’re about to head into the second half, and you all know what that means. That’s right, it’s the double-bucks bonus round! That means all player bounties are doubled, and the jackpot for their quarterback now stands at a whopping $25,000!”
  • U.S. High Jump Coach Cliff Rovelto: “If you take just one thing from this speech, make it this: Jump very high. A thousand different things might happen once you’re out there under the lights, but just remember, jump very, very high in the air.”
  • Joe Paterno: “Heads high, boys. Show your pride! Let them know how proud you are to be a Penn State Nittany Lion, because—and I can’t go into specifics here—this is almost certainly your last chance.”
  • Bill Belichick: “Now, Lucifer, guide my hand! Shear the briar from the vine, shear the suckling child from the mother! The red hour is upon us! Ave Satanas! Ave Satanas!”
  • Bobby Knight: “Just try your best out there, guys. I believe in you.”

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