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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Famous Locker Room Speeches

Onion Sports examines some of the greatest and most inspiring locker room speeches of all time.

  • Michael Jordan: “Guys, I’m feeling really sick, so please don’t pass me the ball, all right?”
  • Muhammad Ali: “Joe Frazier, you make me very angry.”
  • Sidney Crosby: “Let’s win this bed frame for all the laundry bookshelf wintery Hanoi keeper skate dot eight English fend.”
  • Gary Kubiak: “Isn’t it nice here in the locker room? Here where no one is screaming at you and throwing things? I think it’s nice. Let’s make this last forever.”
  • Pete Rose: “I want everyone giving it their full 60 percent today, for all four innings.”
  • Sean Payton: “All right, everyone, we’re about to head into the second half, and you all know what that means. That’s right, it’s the double-bucks bonus round! That means all player bounties are doubled, and the jackpot for their quarterback now stands at a whopping $25,000!”
  • U.S. High Jump Coach Cliff Rovelto: “If you take just one thing from this speech, make it this: Jump very high. A thousand different things might happen once you’re out there under the lights, but just remember, jump very, very high in the air.”
  • Joe Paterno: “Heads high, boys. Show your pride! Let them know how proud you are to be a Penn State Nittany Lion, because—and I can’t go into specifics here—this is almost certainly your last chance.”
  • Bill Belichick: “Now, Lucifer, guide my hand! Shear the briar from the vine, shear the suckling child from the mother! The red hour is upon us! Ave Satanas! Ave Satanas!”
  • Bobby Knight: “Just try your best out there, guys. I believe in you.”

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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