Famous Locker Room Speeches

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Famous Locker Room Speeches

Onion Sports examines some of the greatest and most inspiring locker room speeches of all time.

  • Michael Jordan: “Guys, I’m feeling really sick, so please don’t pass me the ball, all right?”
  • Muhammad Ali: “Joe Frazier, you make me very angry.”
  • Sidney Crosby: “Let’s win this bed frame for all the laundry bookshelf wintery Hanoi keeper skate dot eight English fend.”
  • Gary Kubiak: “Isn’t it nice here in the locker room? Here where no one is screaming at you and throwing things? I think it’s nice. Let’s make this last forever.”
  • Pete Rose: “I want everyone giving it their full 60 percent today, for all four innings.”
  • Sean Payton: “All right, everyone, we’re about to head into the second half, and you all know what that means. That’s right, it’s the double-bucks bonus round! That means all player bounties are doubled, and the jackpot for their quarterback now stands at a whopping $25,000!”
  • U.S. High Jump Coach Cliff Rovelto: “If you take just one thing from this speech, make it this: Jump very high. A thousand different things might happen once you’re out there under the lights, but just remember, jump very, very high in the air.”
  • Joe Paterno: “Heads high, boys. Show your pride! Let them know how proud you are to be a Penn State Nittany Lion, because—and I can’t go into specifics here—this is almost certainly your last chance.”
  • Bill Belichick: “Now, Lucifer, guide my hand! Shear the briar from the vine, shear the suckling child from the mother! The red hour is upon us! Ave Satanas! Ave Satanas!”
  • Bobby Knight: “Just try your best out there, guys. I believe in you.”


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