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Famous Offseason Workout Regimens

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Famous Offseason Workout Regimens

The truly great athletes have always spent the time between seasons making sure they're in peak condition. Here are the workout routines of some of the best:

  • Honus Wagner: Lifted 40 sacks of chicken feed, boxed an Irishman, unicycled the length of 20 rods, and topped it off with two spoonfuls of Dr. Garrison's Sport Tonic
  • Walter Payton: As he distrusted large construction equipment, Payton spent every offseason trying to level off his hilly property using only his feet
  • Cecil Fielder: Took one huge practice swing after two months of hibernation
  • Allen Iverson: Ran and shit
  • Walter Ray Williams: Goes bowling, mostly
  • Lisa Leslie: In a workout routine that is increasingly popular among WNBA stars, Leslie was known to take an extended offseason, explode in size and weight, and excrete an entire human being from her pelvis in preparation for a season
  • Bill James: Stays sharp by adding at least three double-digit numbers in his head every day
  • Ron Artest: Runs three miles every morning and eats a shark a day to gain its power
  • Mark Sanchez: Charitably donates his time to kids by hitting the gym with the local high school girl's volleyball team as often as possible
  • Peyton Manning: Has no defined offseason workout, as he is not aware that an offseason exists

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