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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Famous Offseason Workout Regimens

The truly great athletes have always spent the time between seasons making sure they're in peak condition. Here are the workout routines of some of the best:

  • Honus Wagner: Lifted 40 sacks of chicken feed, boxed an Irishman, unicycled the length of 20 rods, and topped it off with two spoonfuls of Dr. Garrison's Sport Tonic
  • Walter Payton: As he distrusted large construction equipment, Payton spent every offseason trying to level off his hilly property using only his feet
  • Cecil Fielder: Took one huge practice swing after two months of hibernation
  • Allen Iverson: Ran and shit
  • Walter Ray Williams: Goes bowling, mostly
  • Lisa Leslie: In a workout routine that is increasingly popular among WNBA stars, Leslie was known to take an extended offseason, explode in size and weight, and excrete an entire human being from her pelvis in preparation for a season
  • Bill James: Stays sharp by adding at least three double-digit numbers in his head every day
  • Ron Artest: Runs three miles every morning and eats a shark a day to gain its power
  • Mark Sanchez: Charitably donates his time to kids by hitting the gym with the local high school girl's volleyball team as often as possible
  • Peyton Manning: Has no defined offseason workout, as he is not aware that an offseason exists

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