adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
End Of Section
  • More News

Famous Offseason Workout Regimens

The truly great athletes have always spent the time between seasons making sure they're in peak condition. Here are the workout routines of some of the best:

  • Honus Wagner: Lifted 40 sacks of chicken feed, boxed an Irishman, unicycled the length of 20 rods, and topped it off with two spoonfuls of Dr. Garrison's Sport Tonic
  • Walter Payton: As he distrusted large construction equipment, Payton spent every offseason trying to level off his hilly property using only his feet
  • Cecil Fielder: Took one huge practice swing after two months of hibernation
  • Allen Iverson: Ran and shit
  • Walter Ray Williams: Goes bowling, mostly
  • Lisa Leslie: In a workout routine that is increasingly popular among WNBA stars, Leslie was known to take an extended offseason, explode in size and weight, and excrete an entire human being from her pelvis in preparation for a season
  • Bill James: Stays sharp by adding at least three double-digit numbers in his head every day
  • Ron Artest: Runs three miles every morning and eats a shark a day to gain its power
  • Mark Sanchez: Charitably donates his time to kids by hitting the gym with the local high school girl's volleyball team as often as possible
  • Peyton Manning: Has no defined offseason workout, as he is not aware that an offseason exists

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close