adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

Famous Offseason Workout Regimens

The truly great athletes have always spent the time between seasons making sure they're in peak condition. Here are the workout routines of some of the best:

  • Honus Wagner: Lifted 40 sacks of chicken feed, boxed an Irishman, unicycled the length of 20 rods, and topped it off with two spoonfuls of Dr. Garrison's Sport Tonic
  • Walter Payton: As he distrusted large construction equipment, Payton spent every offseason trying to level off his hilly property using only his feet
  • Cecil Fielder: Took one huge practice swing after two months of hibernation
  • Allen Iverson: Ran and shit
  • Walter Ray Williams: Goes bowling, mostly
  • Lisa Leslie: In a workout routine that is increasingly popular among WNBA stars, Leslie was known to take an extended offseason, explode in size and weight, and excrete an entire human being from her pelvis in preparation for a season
  • Bill James: Stays sharp by adding at least three double-digit numbers in his head every day
  • Ron Artest: Runs three miles every morning and eats a shark a day to gain its power
  • Mark Sanchez: Charitably donates his time to kids by hitting the gym with the local high school girl's volleyball team as often as possible
  • Peyton Manning: Has no defined offseason workout, as he is not aware that an offseason exists

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close