Famous Offseason Workout Regimens

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Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
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Famous Offseason Workout Regimens

The truly great athletes have always spent the time between seasons making sure they're in peak condition. Here are the workout routines of some of the best:

  • Honus Wagner: Lifted 40 sacks of chicken feed, boxed an Irishman, unicycled the length of 20 rods, and topped it off with two spoonfuls of Dr. Garrison's Sport Tonic
  • Walter Payton: As he distrusted large construction equipment, Payton spent every offseason trying to level off his hilly property using only his feet
  • Cecil Fielder: Took one huge practice swing after two months of hibernation
  • Allen Iverson: Ran and shit
  • Walter Ray Williams: Goes bowling, mostly
  • Lisa Leslie: In a workout routine that is increasingly popular among WNBA stars, Leslie was known to take an extended offseason, explode in size and weight, and excrete an entire human being from her pelvis in preparation for a season
  • Bill James: Stays sharp by adding at least three double-digit numbers in his head every day
  • Ron Artest: Runs three miles every morning and eats a shark a day to gain its power
  • Mark Sanchez: Charitably donates his time to kids by hitting the gym with the local high school girl's volleyball team as often as possible
  • Peyton Manning: Has no defined offseason workout, as he is not aware that an offseason exists
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