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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Famous Sports Superstitions

In addition to rigorous training and natural talent, top athletes have often credited their success to following pet rituals or superstitions. Onion Sports catalogs some of the most notable:

Cal Ripken Jr.: As his consecutive-games streak approached Gehrig's, Ripken Jr. got into the routine of walking slowly down the clubhouse corridor while screaming, "Cal Ripken coming through, move aside, nobody touch me!"

Roger Federer: Locks himself in a bathroom the day before each match and screams at himself for hours

Vladimir Guerrero: Saying that it is the only time he gets hits, Guerrero's personal superstition is swinging at every pitch thrown to him

Shawn Green: For reasons no one can understand, before every Friday night game, Green breaks bread and drinks a sip of wine while chanting in gibberish

Dick Butkus: Elaborate pre-game taping ritual involved having his left wrist taped, then his right ankle, then his right wrist and left ankle, then his torso, then the rest of his body; after 20 minutes, the trainer would cut him free of his cocoon, and Butkus felt free to take the field as a beautiful butterfly

Tiger Woods: Carefully wakes up, arrives at the course on time

Deion Sanders: During stoppages of play, football and baseball player Deion Sanders would chant his lucky mantra, "I'm Deion Sanders! I'm Deion Sanders!" until the game or season resumed

Lance Armstrong: After recovering from cancer and winning his first Tour de France, Armstrong always surgically removed one testicle before each of his subsequent six Tours de France

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