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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Famous Sports Superstitions

In addition to rigorous training and natural talent, top athletes have often credited their success to following pet rituals or superstitions. Onion Sports catalogs some of the most notable:

Cal Ripken Jr.: As his consecutive-games streak approached Gehrig's, Ripken Jr. got into the routine of walking slowly down the clubhouse corridor while screaming, "Cal Ripken coming through, move aside, nobody touch me!"

Roger Federer: Locks himself in a bathroom the day before each match and screams at himself for hours

Vladimir Guerrero: Saying that it is the only time he gets hits, Guerrero's personal superstition is swinging at every pitch thrown to him

Shawn Green: For reasons no one can understand, before every Friday night game, Green breaks bread and drinks a sip of wine while chanting in gibberish

Dick Butkus: Elaborate pre-game taping ritual involved having his left wrist taped, then his right ankle, then his right wrist and left ankle, then his torso, then the rest of his body; after 20 minutes, the trainer would cut him free of his cocoon, and Butkus felt free to take the field as a beautiful butterfly

Tiger Woods: Carefully wakes up, arrives at the course on time

Deion Sanders: During stoppages of play, football and baseball player Deion Sanders would chant his lucky mantra, "I'm Deion Sanders! I'm Deion Sanders!" until the game or season resumed

Lance Armstrong: After recovering from cancer and winning his first Tour de France, Armstrong always surgically removed one testicle before each of his subsequent six Tours de France

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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