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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Famous Whistleblowing Cases In U.S. History

Edward Snowden is the latest whistleblower to alert the American people to conspiracy in a high-level organization. Here are some other famous whistleblowing cases over the years:

  • 1906: Upton Sinclair’s novel The Jungle sheds light on the horrifying conditions inside Chicago pig-slaughtering houses, prompting Americans to shy away from hot dogs for six hours
  • 1966: Peter Bruxten exposes the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment after walking into a room full of black men being infected with syphilis and thinking, “something isn’t right here”
  • 1983: CBS President Nancy Tellem brazenly exposes the ending of M*A*S*H by televising the finale nationwide
  • 1989: Toxicologist Myron Mehlman reveals that Mobil gasoline sold in Japan is 5 percent benzene. Not the most exciting case in the world.
  • 1992: After consuming psilocybin mushrooms, Oregon State University student Brian Whitaker reveals to his buddies that society is a huge sham
  • 1996: Revealing that the CIA was helping drug dealers in Nicaragua to raise money for the Contras, investigative journalist Gary Webb writes a lengthy 20,000-word, three-part series when he probably could have done it in like two or three sentences
  • 2001: Enron executive Sherron Watkins reveals CEO Kenneth Lay and others concealed massive debt from shareholders, pretty much fucking herself over for any chance of receiving stock options
  • 2003: State Department employee Joyce Rutherford leaks information to The New York Times revealing that the Bush administration is using faulty intelligence to justify invading Iraq. The invasion is subsequently called off, saving the country countless lives and billions of dollars.
  • 2005: Playboy Playmate Raquel Gibson reveals her turn-ons include a guy who knows his way around a kitchen
  • 2009: The national media receives tips from 300,000 brave whistleblowers that Barack Obama may not have been born in this country
  • 2014: Edward Snowden flees the NSA with state secrets again, shocking HR manager Stan Johnson, who really put himself out on the line to rehire the 31-year-old contractor

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