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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Famous Whistleblowing Cases In U.S. History

Edward Snowden is the latest whistleblower to alert the American people to conspiracy in a high-level organization. Here are some other famous whistleblowing cases over the years:

  • 1906: Upton Sinclair’s novel The Jungle sheds light on the horrifying conditions inside Chicago pig-slaughtering houses, prompting Americans to shy away from hot dogs for six hours
  • 1966: Peter Bruxten exposes the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment after walking into a room full of black men being infected with syphilis and thinking, “something isn’t right here”
  • 1983: CBS President Nancy Tellem brazenly exposes the ending of M*A*S*H by televising the finale nationwide
  • 1989: Toxicologist Myron Mehlman reveals that Mobil gasoline sold in Japan is 5 percent benzene. Not the most exciting case in the world.
  • 1992: After consuming psilocybin mushrooms, Oregon State University student Brian Whitaker reveals to his buddies that society is a huge sham
  • 1996: Revealing that the CIA was helping drug dealers in Nicaragua to raise money for the Contras, investigative journalist Gary Webb writes a lengthy 20,000-word, three-part series when he probably could have done it in like two or three sentences
  • 2001: Enron executive Sherron Watkins reveals CEO Kenneth Lay and others concealed massive debt from shareholders, pretty much fucking herself over for any chance of receiving stock options
  • 2003: State Department employee Joyce Rutherford leaks information to The New York Times revealing that the Bush administration is using faulty intelligence to justify invading Iraq. The invasion is subsequently called off, saving the country countless lives and billions of dollars.
  • 2005: Playboy Playmate Raquel Gibson reveals her turn-ons include a guy who knows his way around a kitchen
  • 2009: The national media receives tips from 300,000 brave whistleblowers that Barack Obama may not have been born in this country
  • 2014: Edward Snowden flees the NSA with state secrets again, shocking HR manager Stan Johnson, who really put himself out on the line to rehire the 31-year-old contractor

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