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Famous Whistleblowing Cases In U.S. History

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.
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Famous Whistleblowing Cases In U.S. History

Edward Snowden is the latest whistleblower to alert the American people to conspiracy in a high-level organization. Here are some other famous whistleblowing cases over the years:

  • 1906: Upton Sinclair’s novel The Jungle sheds light on the horrifying conditions inside Chicago pig-slaughtering houses, prompting Americans to shy away from hot dogs for six hours
  • 1966: Peter Bruxten exposes the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment after walking into a room full of black men being infected with syphilis and thinking, “something isn’t right here”
  • 1983: CBS President Nancy Tellem brazenly exposes the ending of M*A*S*H by televising the finale nationwide
  • 1989: Toxicologist Myron Mehlman reveals that Mobil gasoline sold in Japan is 5 percent benzene. Not the most exciting case in the world.
  • 1992: After consuming psilocybin mushrooms, Oregon State University student Brian Whitaker reveals to his buddies that society is a huge sham
  • 1996: Revealing that the CIA was helping drug dealers in Nicaragua to raise money for the Contras, investigative journalist Gary Webb writes a lengthy 20,000-word, three-part series when he probably could have done it in like two or three sentences
  • 2001: Enron executive Sherron Watkins reveals CEO Kenneth Lay and others concealed massive debt from shareholders, pretty much fucking herself over for any chance of receiving stock options
  • 2003: State Department employee Joyce Rutherford leaks information to The New York Times revealing that the Bush administration is using faulty intelligence to justify invading Iraq. The invasion is subsequently called off, saving the country countless lives and billions of dollars.
  • 2005: Playboy Playmate Raquel Gibson reveals her turn-ons include a guy who knows his way around a kitchen
  • 2009: The national media receives tips from 300,000 brave whistleblowers that Barack Obama may not have been born in this country
  • 2014: Edward Snowden flees the NSA with state secrets again, shocking HR manager Stan Johnson, who really put himself out on the line to rehire the 31-year-old contractor

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