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Famous Whistleblowing Cases In U.S. History

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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Famous Whistleblowing Cases In U.S. History

Edward Snowden is the latest whistleblower to alert the American people to conspiracy in a high-level organization. Here are some other famous whistleblowing cases over the years:

  • 1906: Upton Sinclair’s novel The Jungle sheds light on the horrifying conditions inside Chicago pig-slaughtering houses, prompting Americans to shy away from hot dogs for six hours
  • 1966: Peter Bruxten exposes the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment after walking into a room full of black men being infected with syphilis and thinking, “something isn’t right here”
  • 1983: CBS President Nancy Tellem brazenly exposes the ending of M*A*S*H by televising the finale nationwide
  • 1989: Toxicologist Myron Mehlman reveals that Mobil gasoline sold in Japan is 5 percent benzene. Not the most exciting case in the world.
  • 1992: After consuming psilocybin mushrooms, Oregon State University student Brian Whitaker reveals to his buddies that society is a huge sham
  • 1996: Revealing that the CIA was helping drug dealers in Nicaragua to raise money for the Contras, investigative journalist Gary Webb writes a lengthy 20,000-word, three-part series when he probably could have done it in like two or three sentences
  • 2001: Enron executive Sherron Watkins reveals CEO Kenneth Lay and others concealed massive debt from shareholders, pretty much fucking herself over for any chance of receiving stock options
  • 2003: State Department employee Joyce Rutherford leaks information to The New York Times revealing that the Bush administration is using faulty intelligence to justify invading Iraq. The invasion is subsequently called off, saving the country countless lives and billions of dollars.
  • 2005: Playboy Playmate Raquel Gibson reveals her turn-ons include a guy who knows his way around a kitchen
  • 2009: The national media receives tips from 300,000 brave whistleblowers that Barack Obama may not have been born in this country
  • 2014: Edward Snowden flees the NSA with state secrets again, shocking HR manager Stan Johnson, who really put himself out on the line to rehire the 31-year-old contractor

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