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Fantasy Baseball Busts And Sleepers

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Fantasy Baseball Busts And Sleepers

Given the phenomenal popularity of fantasy baseball, Onion Sports editors have picked out some of the best bargains and potential busts in this year's draft:

BUSTS:

Albert Pujols: Expect a huge regression this year, with Pujols putting up a .322 average, a dismal 47 home runs, and a paltry 136 RBIs

Hanley Ramirez: Though he's the reigning NL Rookie of the Year, he has been politely asked by MLB to do poorly this season, as there are already two great players named Ramirez and that's confusing enough for fans as it is

Ryan Howard: Many are predicting another 50-homer season from this Phillies slugger, but if you draft him, he'll probably get injured or forget how to hit just like all the players you picked last year

Mark Prior: Now that he's finally back and healthy, look for this Cubs phenom to win 20 games, post 250-plus strikeouts, and—wait, he just broke his arm waterskiing nine minutes ago

SLEEPERS:

Randy Johnson: Could be a monster year for Johnson, especially with the Diamondbacks ace scheduled to pitch 162 games

Gary Sheffield: As the Tigers' new DH, Sheffield now only has to half-ass one job

Barry Bonds: You want to win, right? Nobody has proven anything, so it's not cheating if you pick him. Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to get to that next level

Robin Yount: Trust us on this one

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