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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Fast Food Chains Aim For Healthier Image

The nation’s 14,000 McDonald’s locations began displaying calorie counts next to menu items Monday, with the company confirming it may soon add healthier options such as egg-white McMuffins and seasonal produce. Here’s how other fast food chains are trying to be more health-conscious:

  • Subway: Jared spokesperson recast as hyper-self-conscious bulimic
  • Wendy’s: Customers must finish each individual fry before requesting additional one from counter
  • Domino’s: Will not deliver to anyone who gasps for breath more than three times while placing an order
  • Burger King: Patrons required to wear cardboard crown reading “King of the Fatties”
  • Jack in the Box: Jog-thru lane
  • Quiznos: Vegetable toppings no longer made from colored chocolate
  • Hardee’s: Ketchup dispenser requires customers to turn heavy crank for two minutes
  • KFC: Employees to cram fistfuls of vegetables into customers’ fat fucking mouths when they aren’t paying attention

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