Fast Food Chains Aim For Healthier Image

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Fast Food Chains Aim For Healthier Image

The nation’s 14,000 McDonald’s locations began displaying calorie counts next to menu items Monday, with the company confirming it may soon add healthier options such as egg-white McMuffins and seasonal produce. Here’s how other fast food chains are trying to be more health-conscious:

  • Subway: Jared spokesperson recast as hyper-self-conscious bulimic
  • Wendy’s: Customers must finish each individual fry before requesting additional one from counter
  • Domino’s: Will not deliver to anyone who gasps for breath more than three times while placing an order
  • Burger King: Patrons required to wear cardboard crown reading “King of the Fatties”
  • Jack in the Box: Jog-thru lane
  • Quiznos: Vegetable toppings no longer made from colored chocolate
  • Hardee’s: Ketchup dispenser requires customers to turn heavy crank for two minutes
  • KFC: Employees to cram fistfuls of vegetables into customers’ fat fucking mouths when they aren’t paying attention