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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Fast Food Chains Aim For Healthier Image

The nation’s 14,000 McDonald’s locations began displaying calorie counts next to menu items Monday, with the company confirming it may soon add healthier options such as egg-white McMuffins and seasonal produce. Here’s how other fast food chains are trying to be more health-conscious:

  • Subway: Jared spokesperson recast as hyper-self-conscious bulimic
  • Wendy’s: Customers must finish each individual fry before requesting additional one from counter
  • Domino’s: Will not deliver to anyone who gasps for breath more than three times while placing an order
  • Burger King: Patrons required to wear cardboard crown reading “King of the Fatties”
  • Jack in the Box: Jog-thru lane
  • Quiznos: Vegetable toppings no longer made from colored chocolate
  • Hardee’s: Ketchup dispenser requires customers to turn heavy crank for two minutes
  • KFC: Employees to cram fistfuls of vegetables into customers’ fat fucking mouths when they aren’t paying attention

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