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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Fast Food Chains Aim For Healthier Image

The nation’s 14,000 McDonald’s locations began displaying calorie counts next to menu items Monday, with the company confirming it may soon add healthier options such as egg-white McMuffins and seasonal produce. Here’s how other fast food chains are trying to be more health-conscious:

  • Subway: Jared spokesperson recast as hyper-self-conscious bulimic
  • Wendy’s: Customers must finish each individual fry before requesting additional one from counter
  • Domino’s: Will not deliver to anyone who gasps for breath more than three times while placing an order
  • Burger King: Patrons required to wear cardboard crown reading “King of the Fatties”
  • Jack in the Box: Jog-thru lane
  • Quiznos: Vegetable toppings no longer made from colored chocolate
  • Hardee’s: Ketchup dispenser requires customers to turn heavy crank for two minutes
  • KFC: Employees to cram fistfuls of vegetables into customers’ fat fucking mouths when they aren’t paying attention

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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