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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Favre's Greatest Moments

As Brett Favre begins his well-deserved retirement, Onion Sports takes a last fond look at the moments that made him the most beloved athlete in recent memory:

July 14, 1990: After being involved in a near-fatal car accident, Favre has 30 inches of his small intestine removed, magically unlocking his hidden passing ability

Oct. 31, 1994: Favre whips a 10-yard pass to Robert Brooks with such force that it carries the receiver past the Bears secondary and 89 yards into the end zone

Dec. 24, 1995: Three Steelers defensive players tackle Favre as he scrambles toward the end zone; staggering to the sidelines, he vomits blood, 72 ounces of Blatz, four half-digested Vicodin, and a clump of sod before returning to the field and vomiting a 1-yard touchdown pass

Jan. 11, 1997: Favre is honored with his third NFL MVP award, although the honor is partially intercepted by Barry Sanders

Dec. 24, 2000: Favre throws for 289 yards and two touchdowns against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers despite having a six-foot steel girder protruding from his abdomen

Jan. 6, 2002: Favre insists he did not let Michael Strahan have the sack record on purpose, explaining that "Curl Into A Ball Right" has always been in the Packer playbook

Dec. 22, 2003: While playing the best game of his career against the Oakland Raiders on Monday Night Football the day after the death of his father, Favre realizes that all it takes to be your best is to have the worst possible thing happen in your life

April 4, 2004: Hair immediately turns gray after being frightened by ghost of Reggie White

Aug. 15, 2005: When the NFL outlaws playing with joy, exuberance, and enthusiasm, Favre is given a veteran's exemption and allowed to enjoy himself in games

Nov. 18, 2007: With a short underhand toss to running back Ryan Grant, Favre becomes the NFL's all-time leader with 15,000 shovel-passing yards

March 4, 2008: Moments after announcing his retirement, Favre enters a glass display case at the NFL Hall of Fame, where he can currently be seen

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