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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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FCC Eyeing Cable Regulation

The Federal Communications Commission will vote on placing a number of restrictions and regulations on the unregulated cable industry. Here are some of the proposed changes.

All shows claiming to be "the next Sopranos" must submit a proposed series ending before airing pilot

No more than three crawls on screen at the same time

Product placement only allowed if characters would really, really enjoy the brand

Shopping networks can no longer allow customers to buy merchandise shirtless

Add "HBO: Tom Hanks" to list of available HBO channels

The Hallmark Channel and Spike TV must be bundled in the same package to cancel each other out

Weather Channel limited to five F-words per hour

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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