adBlockCheck

Recent News

Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Features Of Google Glass

Eight thousand contest winners were selected by Google last week to test out the company’s new internet-connected mobile device known as Google Glass, which is worn like a pair of eyeglasses. Here are some of the features of the revolutionary wearable computer:

  • Constant real-time video stream of whatever’s in front of you
  • Little fan to keep your eye cool
  • Location-sensing technology automatically calls nearest emergency personnel when distracted wearer is hit by car, train, bus, or cyclist
  • Not removable
  • Wearers can easily enter text using cheek-mounted keypad
  • Grappling hook that shuttles glasses to safety any time wearer is imperiled
  • Allows user to take easy, hands-free photos at any time by just screaming as loud as possible
  • Sits far more comfortably on face than open laptop
  • Also allows Google to look into you

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close