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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Features Of Google Glass

Eight thousand contest winners were selected by Google last week to test out the company’s new internet-connected mobile device known as Google Glass, which is worn like a pair of eyeglasses. Here are some of the features of the revolutionary wearable computer:

  • Constant real-time video stream of whatever’s in front of you
  • Little fan to keep your eye cool
  • Location-sensing technology automatically calls nearest emergency personnel when distracted wearer is hit by car, train, bus, or cyclist
  • Not removable
  • Wearers can easily enter text using cheek-mounted keypad
  • Grappling hook that shuttles glasses to safety any time wearer is imperiled
  • Allows user to take easy, hands-free photos at any time by just screaming as loud as possible
  • Sits far more comfortably on face than open laptop
  • Also allows Google to look into you
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