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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Features Of LeBron James' New Shoe

With Nike set to release its new LeBron X sneaker this fall, the alleged $315 retail price of the shoe’s premium version has caused quite a stir. Onion Sports examines some of the basketball shoe’s innovative features.

  • Logo features a foot, symbolizing the nature of the product
  • Design comes from mockup LeBron personally pointed to on piece of paper
  • 20 percent more squeak on all surfaces
  • Special sensor blasts air horn anytime someone says the word “basketball”
  • Nothing that hasn’t been run past Dwyane Wade first
  • Only the strongest, most experienced child laborers used to ensure quality
  • Like Air Jordans, only bigger and more annoying
  • LeBron James’ signature printed across each shoe 78 times
  • Each pair comes with super uncomfortable and ugly Chris Bosh shoe for free
  • Comes with built-in lesson to never spend $300 on a fucking pair of shoes again

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