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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Features Of LeBron James' New Shoe

With Nike set to release its new LeBron X sneaker this fall, the alleged $315 retail price of the shoe’s premium version has caused quite a stir. Onion Sports examines some of the basketball shoe’s innovative features.

  • Logo features a foot, symbolizing the nature of the product
  • Design comes from mockup LeBron personally pointed to on piece of paper
  • 20 percent more squeak on all surfaces
  • Special sensor blasts air horn anytime someone says the word “basketball”
  • Nothing that hasn’t been run past Dwyane Wade first
  • Only the strongest, most experienced child laborers used to ensure quality
  • Like Air Jordans, only bigger and more annoying
  • LeBron James’ signature printed across each shoe 78 times
  • Each pair comes with super uncomfortable and ugly Chris Bosh shoe for free
  • Comes with built-in lesson to never spend $300 on a fucking pair of shoes again

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