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Features Of ‘Madden 25’

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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
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Features Of ‘Madden 25’

With Electronic Arts releasing Madden NFL 25 this week, Onion Sports examines the new and innovative features of the popular football video game series.

  • Over 30 new running moves that you’ll never figure out how to use
  • Four-player cooperative mode lets each user control one of quarterback’s limbs
  • Comes preloaded with 15 NFL franchises; other 17 available for purchase at just $4.99 per team
  • Controller rumbles every time a player thinks about suicide
  • Credits featuring full bios of entire software development team are displayed before every game
  • Gorier finishing moves
  • More realistic goatee on Carolina Panthers assistant strength and conditioning coach Jason Benguche
  • Injured players can now be seen on the sidelines denying that they’re experiencing concussion-like symptoms
  • All your favorite Jacksonville Jaguars
  • Return of highly popular feature from last year’s game that allows players to punch and kick Jay Cutler repeatedly after a sack
  • Expanded Create-A-Player features 10 post-career seasons where players must navigate the pitfalls of poor investment opportunities, chronic injuries, and the NFL pension system
  • Gamers now fined $50,000 for particularly vicious hits
  • Unlimited footballs

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