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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Features Of ‘Madden 25’

With Electronic Arts releasing Madden NFL 25 this week, Onion Sports examines the new and innovative features of the popular football video game series.

  • Over 30 new running moves that you’ll never figure out how to use
  • Four-player cooperative mode lets each user control one of quarterback’s limbs
  • Comes preloaded with 15 NFL franchises; other 17 available for purchase at just $4.99 per team
  • Controller rumbles every time a player thinks about suicide
  • Credits featuring full bios of entire software development team are displayed before every game
  • Gorier finishing moves
  • More realistic goatee on Carolina Panthers assistant strength and conditioning coach Jason Benguche
  • Injured players can now be seen on the sidelines denying that they’re experiencing concussion-like symptoms
  • All your favorite Jacksonville Jaguars
  • Return of highly popular feature from last year’s game that allows players to punch and kick Jay Cutler repeatedly after a sack
  • Expanded Create-A-Player features 10 post-career seasons where players must navigate the pitfalls of poor investment opportunities, chronic injuries, and the NFL pension system
  • Gamers now fined $50,000 for particularly vicious hits
  • Unlimited footballs

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