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Features Of ‘Madden 25’

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Features Of ‘Madden 25’

With Electronic Arts releasing Madden NFL 25 this week, Onion Sports examines the new and innovative features of the popular football video game series.

  • Over 30 new running moves that you’ll never figure out how to use
  • Four-player cooperative mode lets each user control one of quarterback’s limbs
  • Comes preloaded with 15 NFL franchises; other 17 available for purchase at just $4.99 per team
  • Controller rumbles every time a player thinks about suicide
  • Credits featuring full bios of entire software development team are displayed before every game
  • Gorier finishing moves
  • More realistic goatee on Carolina Panthers assistant strength and conditioning coach Jason Benguche
  • Injured players can now be seen on the sidelines denying that they’re experiencing concussion-like symptoms
  • All your favorite Jacksonville Jaguars
  • Return of highly popular feature from last year’s game that allows players to punch and kick Jay Cutler repeatedly after a sack
  • Expanded Create-A-Player features 10 post-career seasons where players must navigate the pitfalls of poor investment opportunities, chronic injuries, and the NFL pension system
  • Gamers now fined $50,000 for particularly vicious hits
  • Unlimited footballs

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