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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Features Of Motorola’s New Moto X Smartphone

All right, so, The Onion would like to sincerely apologize for not putting together this infographic about the new Moto X smartphone, since we frankly did not expect anyone to actually click on it. This post seemed like a good idea when originally conceived, but when it came down to actually doing research and then writing and editing the post, it just didn’t seem like a wise use of company time and resources. Ultimately, we felt that no one would really want to read about the Moto X—after all, this is not a new iPhone or a product with a comparable sense of global anticipation. There are high expectations for web traffic here at The Onion, and, to be completely honest, this hasn’t been the best traffic week (or month, for that matter), so we decided to devote our efforts to posts we thought would actually be viewed by readers. Now, you might be asking yourself why we would even publish the article at all if we knew no one was going to click on it, and that’s a reasonable question. A totally reasonable question. Unfortunately, we just don’t have a good answer to that question right now. Things are pretty confusing around here.

Anyway, should you still want to read about the Moto X, we suggest following this link to the tech blog TechCrunch, which will in all likelihood have some sort of comprehensive breakdown of this new Motorola mobile device: http://techcrunch.com

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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