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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Features Of The Apple Car

After dominating sales of smartphones, tablets, and other electronics, Apple is reportedly secretly designing its first car, code-named Titan. Here are some features of Apple’s rumored car:

  • Windshield features four times as many pixels as reality
  • Full vertical integration with Apple Gasoline
  • Driver prompted to sign into iCloud before each gear shift
  • Compatible with most major roads
  • Recommends new driving speeds based on user’s past favorites
  • Sleek, unobtrusive airbags
  • Cup holder
  • Windshield cracks easily, though car typically still works fine afterward
  • Sticker price of $85,000 drops to $199 with two-year Verizon contract
  • Wheels turn into rainbow pinwheels whenever car stalls
  • Lightweight but powerful enough to careen across six lanes of traffic and through guardrails of overpass
  • Comes with couple of cool Apple stickers
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