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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Features Of The Apple Car

After dominating sales of smartphones, tablets, and other electronics, Apple is reportedly secretly designing its first car, code-named Titan. Here are some features of Apple’s rumored car:

  • Windshield features four times as many pixels as reality
  • Full vertical integration with Apple Gasoline
  • Driver prompted to sign into iCloud before each gear shift
  • Compatible with most major roads
  • Recommends new driving speeds based on user’s past favorites
  • Sleek, unobtrusive airbags
  • Cup holder
  • Windshield cracks easily, though car typically still works fine afterward
  • Sticker price of $85,000 drops to $199 with two-year Verizon contract
  • Wheels turn into rainbow pinwheels whenever car stalls
  • Lightweight but powerful enough to careen across six lanes of traffic and through guardrails of overpass
  • Comes with couple of cool Apple stickers

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