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Features Of The Dallas Cowboys' New Stadium

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Features Of The Dallas Cowboys' New Stadium

A record-setting crowd attended the inaugural home opener of the $1.2 billion Cowboys Stadium Sunday night. Onion Sports examines some of the sports arena's features.

  • A 100-yard football field, perfect for professional football
  • Special suite where Tony Dorsett, Emmitt Smith, and all the Cowboy greats can go fuck themselves
  • Display case containing the Cowboys Starter jacket that turned the team's fortunes around in 1992
  • Most obnoxious 30-yard line in the league
  • No Troy Aikman
  • Cowboys logos appear on things that wouldn't otherwise have Cowboys logos on them
  • The Emmitt Smith Simulator, which lets fans feel what it's like to be a normal person running behind five 300-pound men
  • Not one, but 45 megachurches
  • The Cowboys Ring of Criminal Arrests
  • A parking lot so expansive it could hold almost two parking lots inside it

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