adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Features Of The Dallas Cowboys' New Stadium

A record-setting crowd attended the inaugural home opener of the $1.2 billion Cowboys Stadium Sunday night. Onion Sports examines some of the sports arena's features.

  • A 100-yard football field, perfect for professional football
  • Special suite where Tony Dorsett, Emmitt Smith, and all the Cowboy greats can go fuck themselves
  • Display case containing the Cowboys Starter jacket that turned the team's fortunes around in 1992
  • Most obnoxious 30-yard line in the league
  • No Troy Aikman
  • Cowboys logos appear on things that wouldn't otherwise have Cowboys logos on them
  • The Emmitt Smith Simulator, which lets fans feel what it's like to be a normal person running behind five 300-pound men
  • Not one, but 45 megachurches
  • The Cowboys Ring of Criminal Arrests
  • A parking lot so expansive it could hold almost two parking lots inside it

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close