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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Features Of The Dallas Cowboys' New Stadium

A record-setting crowd attended the inaugural home opener of the $1.2 billion Cowboys Stadium Sunday night. Onion Sports examines some of the sports arena's features.

  • A 100-yard football field, perfect for professional football
  • Special suite where Tony Dorsett, Emmitt Smith, and all the Cowboy greats can go fuck themselves
  • Display case containing the Cowboys Starter jacket that turned the team's fortunes around in 1992
  • Most obnoxious 30-yard line in the league
  • No Troy Aikman
  • Cowboys logos appear on things that wouldn't otherwise have Cowboys logos on them
  • The Emmitt Smith Simulator, which lets fans feel what it's like to be a normal person running behind five 300-pound men
  • Not one, but 45 megachurches
  • The Cowboys Ring of Criminal Arrests
  • A parking lot so expansive it could hold almost two parking lots inside it

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