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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Features Of The Dallas Cowboys' New Stadium

A record-setting crowd attended the inaugural home opener of the $1.2 billion Cowboys Stadium Sunday night. Onion Sports examines some of the sports arena's features.

  • A 100-yard football field, perfect for professional football
  • Special suite where Tony Dorsett, Emmitt Smith, and all the Cowboy greats can go fuck themselves
  • Display case containing the Cowboys Starter jacket that turned the team's fortunes around in 1992
  • Most obnoxious 30-yard line in the league
  • No Troy Aikman
  • Cowboys logos appear on things that wouldn't otherwise have Cowboys logos on them
  • The Emmitt Smith Simulator, which lets fans feel what it's like to be a normal person running behind five 300-pound men
  • Not one, but 45 megachurches
  • The Cowboys Ring of Criminal Arrests
  • A parking lot so expansive it could hold almost two parking lots inside it

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