Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C

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Vol 49 Issue 37

Out That Innie!

Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Cash and prizes are awarded to contestants who, through a combination of holding their breath and clenching really hard, are able to push their belly buttons out.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week two games: Jets at Patriots OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Patriots — Expect Pat...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C

In addition to unveiling the new flagship iPhone at a press event Wednesday, Apple CEO Tim Cook debuted a more affordable version of the device called the iPhone 5C, which is clad in a plastic casing and is available in a variety of colors. Here are some notable features of the budget-friendly iPhone:

  • Small enough to fit comfortably in users’ cheeks or to tuck between their lower lips and gums
  • Haggard-sounding Siri
  • Interior-facing camera
  • Includes extended seven-minute version of classic Marimba ringtone
  • Coin slot
  • Slick, oily screen
  • Must be plugged in at all times
  • Smells like a delicious wafer cookie
  • Sturdy enough to lay down on paper and use edge to draw straight lines
  • Built-in whistle
  • Steve Jobs’ posthumous disapproval
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