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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Features Of The New NASCAR Hall Of Fame

More than 60 years after the founding of NASCAR, stock-car racing has opened a $200 million Hall of Fame in Charlotte, NC. Here's what fans can expect:

  • All museum employees required to say "Vroom!" when walking past guests
  • Section featuring a man in a racing suit constantly running around on fire
  • The Mangle-Matic, a machine that shows visitors what they might look like if they were involved in a 200 mph crash
  • Inclined turns to prevent visitors from careening into the exhibits
  • Historical exhibit featuring NASCAR's 40 most famous skid marks
  • Membership can be paid for in aluminum cans
  • The Jiffy Lube Interactive Pit Crew Experience, in which patrons probably won't realize they're actually putting in a one-hour shift at a Charlotte-area Jiffy Lube
  • Restrictor plate prevents the entire building from traveling 200 mph

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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