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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Features Of The Xbox One

  • Windows XP operating system
  • Will offer new titles in such popular Xbox series as Ace Combat, Kane & Lynch, Crash
  • Time, and Call of Juarez
  • Xbox Hat—Say the words “Xbox Hat” out loud and a large image of a hat will appear on your TV screen
  • 92-Core x500 P2W (G4-Jig system), 2F3 DLX silver frame technology, 2/5/5/MP2s zoomnet capability, Zip control (TV/satellite/laptop), 3.1.8 optical input-output, 34V-876-ZZB, custom 2x cross-memory feedback, DVD
  • Ability to capture live game play, edit it, and send it to your pathetic friends
  • 500 GB of added system memory you can buy separately for more fucking money
  • Color green probably in there somewhere
  • Kinect motion sensor capable of responding to what you consider movement
  • Preloaded with episodes of Get Smart
  • Gumball dispenser
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