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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Features Of The Xbox One

  • Windows XP operating system
  • Will offer new titles in such popular Xbox series as Ace Combat, Kane & Lynch, Crash
  • Time, and Call of Juarez
  • Xbox Hat—Say the words “Xbox Hat” out loud and a large image of a hat will appear on your TV screen
  • 92-Core x500 P2W (G4-Jig system), 2F3 DLX silver frame technology, 2/5/5/MP2s zoomnet capability, Zip control (TV/satellite/laptop), 3.1.8 optical input-output, 34V-876-ZZB, custom 2x cross-memory feedback, DVD
  • Ability to capture live game play, edit it, and send it to your pathetic friends
  • 500 GB of added system memory you can buy separately for more fucking money
  • Color green probably in there somewhere
  • Kinect motion sensor capable of responding to what you consider movement
  • Preloaded with episodes of Get Smart
  • Gumball dispenser

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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