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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Features Of The Xbox One

  • Windows XP operating system
  • Will offer new titles in such popular Xbox series as Ace Combat, Kane & Lynch, Crash
  • Time, and Call of Juarez
  • Xbox Hat—Say the words “Xbox Hat” out loud and a large image of a hat will appear on your TV screen
  • 92-Core x500 P2W (G4-Jig system), 2F3 DLX silver frame technology, 2/5/5/MP2s zoomnet capability, Zip control (TV/satellite/laptop), 3.1.8 optical input-output, 34V-876-ZZB, custom 2x cross-memory feedback, DVD
  • Ability to capture live game play, edit it, and send it to your pathetic friends
  • 500 GB of added system memory you can buy separately for more fucking money
  • Color green probably in there somewhere
  • Kinect motion sensor capable of responding to what you consider movement
  • Preloaded with episodes of Get Smart
  • Gumball dispenser

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