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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Fewer Young Americans Marrying

According to the Population Reference Bureau, the proportion of Americans age 25 to 34 who have never been married went up from 35 percent to 46 percent between 2000 and 2009. Here are some of the reasons young people are no longer marrying:

  • Perfect church to get married in completely booked up until 2018
  • Roommates not cool with adding wife to the mix
  • All the good ideas for wedding-based viral videos have been taken
  • Every single remaining young person unattractive
  • Can still fuck, cook meals, and watch movies together without a piece of paper
  • Fear of spending, on average, $19,581 on something that has a 52 percent chance of failure
  • Jeremy
  • Only videographer in town also ex-girlfriend
  • More fun to wait until 35 or older, when procreating becomes a thrilling gamble
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