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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Fewer Young Americans Marrying

According to the Population Reference Bureau, the proportion of Americans age 25 to 34 who have never been married went up from 35 percent to 46 percent between 2000 and 2009. Here are some of the reasons young people are no longer marrying:

  • Perfect church to get married in completely booked up until 2018
  • Roommates not cool with adding wife to the mix
  • All the good ideas for wedding-based viral videos have been taken
  • Every single remaining young person unattractive
  • Can still fuck, cook meals, and watch movies together without a piece of paper
  • Fear of spending, on average, $19,581 on something that has a 52 percent chance of failure
  • Jeremy
  • Only videographer in town also ex-girlfriend
  • More fun to wait until 35 or older, when procreating becomes a thrilling gamble

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