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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Fewer Young Americans Marrying

According to the Population Reference Bureau, the proportion of Americans age 25 to 34 who have never been married went up from 35 percent to 46 percent between 2000 and 2009. Here are some of the reasons young people are no longer marrying:

  • Perfect church to get married in completely booked up until 2018
  • Roommates not cool with adding wife to the mix
  • All the good ideas for wedding-based viral videos have been taken
  • Every single remaining young person unattractive
  • Can still fuck, cook meals, and watch movies together without a piece of paper
  • Fear of spending, on average, $19,581 on something that has a 52 percent chance of failure
  • Jeremy
  • Only videographer in town also ex-girlfriend
  • More fun to wait until 35 or older, when procreating becomes a thrilling gamble

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