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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Fifty Years Of Space Exploration

This month marks the 50th anniversary of the launching of Sputnik, the earth's first artificial satellite. What are the highlights of these first 50 years of space exploration?

1961: Alan Shepard is chosen to pilot Freedom 7, leading to protests among more qualified and experienced chimpanzee astronauts

1964: Sun officially determined to be really, really hot

1969: First moon walk followed by first refreshing moon nap

1971: Halfway back to Earth, the crew of Apollo 15 turn the spacecraft around after realizing they left lunar module pilot James Irwin on the moon

1985: Birth of first person to whom walking on moon doesn't seem absolutely unbelievable

2001: Space tourist Dennis Tito returns from orbit smelling a little different and spooking the regulars at the diner

2005: International Space Station gets a flat screen

2007: NASA researchers discover that everything we ever wanted was here on Earth all along

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