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Fighting Chinese Piracy

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Fighting Chinese Piracy

The United States recently filed several complaints with the World Trade Organization against the Chinese government for its failure to clamp down on media piracy and counterfeiting. Here are some other measures the U.S. has taken to combat the problem:

Refusing to free Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon's Ziyi Zhang until demands are met, and maybe a while after for good measure

Sending Steven Spielberg on goodwill mission to explain to average Chinese citizens how piracy hurts his ability to make a living

Giving tax breaks to entertainment industry for making shittier products that are even less worth stealing

Implementing new security algorithm on all CDs and DVDs that slows hackers down for up to three hours

Letting the artists handle it

Tracking all citizens, thereby creating a draconian hellscape to protect Resident Evil: Extinction from profitless consumption

Suing pants off college kids

Fighting never-ending, futile court battles rather than adapting to new technological paradigm

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