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Filling Empty Movie Theaters

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Filling Empty Movie Theaters

With 3-D films failing to maintain their appeal and movie theater bedbug infestations worrying potential ticket buyers, Hollywood is looking for new ways to sell tickets. Here are some of the ideas being pitched:

  • Hollywood will put an end to the overdone sequels, instead jumping right to the third film
  • Finally doing away with the archaic rule of no talking during the movies—what kind of weirdo doesn't talk for two whole hours?
  • From now on, every time well-known figures make a cameo, they will turn and wink at the camera
  • A movie about animals who talk—and swear!
  • A member of the theater staff will change out of work clothes and discreetly watch the movie with you
  • More realistic body types for cyborgs
  • Movie industry sponsoring study revealing the health risks of sitting at home on your own comfy sofa
  • Madea for white people

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