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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Filling Empty Movie Theaters

With 3-D films failing to maintain their appeal and movie theater bedbug infestations worrying potential ticket buyers, Hollywood is looking for new ways to sell tickets. Here are some of the ideas being pitched:

  • Hollywood will put an end to the overdone sequels, instead jumping right to the third film
  • Finally doing away with the archaic rule of no talking during the movies—what kind of weirdo doesn't talk for two whole hours?
  • From now on, every time well-known figures make a cameo, they will turn and wink at the camera
  • A movie about animals who talk—and swear!
  • A member of the theater staff will change out of work clothes and discreetly watch the movie with you
  • More realistic body types for cyborgs
  • Movie industry sponsoring study revealing the health risks of sitting at home on your own comfy sofa
  • Madea for white people
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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