GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—In an effort to accommodate passengers who wish to relax and get some rest during their ride, amusement park operator Six Flags confirmed Friday it had begun to add sleeper cars to all its roller coasters throughout North America.
A teenager from Levittown, PA celebrating her Sweet 16 party outdoors this week had her event ruined when a plane flying overhead emptied its human waste containers into the sky and feces rained down on the guests. What do you think?
HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.
UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.
NEW YORK—Nervously checking his watch and glancing around the desolate underground parking garage in anticipation, The Today Show host Matt Lauer was reportedly waiting for an anonymous source with inside knowledge of the latest parenting trends during the early morning hours Thursday.
A middle school teacher in Georgia has been arrested for allegedly allowing students to schedule times to have sex in the storage closet of the classroom, informing them when it would be free to use and providing condoms in some cases. What do you think?
The Office of the Director of National Intelligence this week declassified hundreds of documents collected during the 2011 raid of Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan compound, including his original job application for al-Qaeda, which, along with requesting regular contact information, asked applicants whether they would be willing to be suicide bombers and who to contact in case of martyrdom. What do you think?
GOLETA, CA—In an effort to minimize the impact of the disaster occurring along the California coastline, Plains All American Pipeline officials rushed this week to contain the oil spill to a small section of the media.
ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.
On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound
WORTHEN, CT—Saying the move will help avoid any controversy during the celebration, administrators from Boswitch College confirmed Thursday that the school will allow each graduating senior to choose an individual commencement speaker in order to make the ceremony acceptable for all.
CINCINNATI—Unaware that it will soon be regarded by his managers as an unnecessary drain on the company’s bottom line, local software engineer Rob Lofland reportedly celebrated a raise Thursday that his employer will eventually use to justify firing him.
Starbucks announced that it has made a special partnership with Spotify that gives Spotify subscriptions to all baristas around the country so they can curate the playlists that play in local stores, explaining, “We’re making the barista the DJ.” What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Arguing that the measure would help women fully understand the consequences of their decision, members of the House of Representatives introduced a new bill this week that would require anyone seeking an abortion to view images of the congressmen she will disappoint prior to undergoing the procedure.
SEDONA, AZ—Having admitted to growing somewhat apart recently, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft departed for a three-day spa getaway Wednesday in an attempt to rekindle their strained relationship, sources close to the pair confirmed.
TOKYO—Saying it was simply time for drivers to move on, Toyota Motor Corp. issued a recall of its entire 1993 Camry model line Wednesday due to the fact that its owners really should have bought something new by now.
As cities around the country, including Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, and Seattle, pass or propose legislation to substantially increase the minimum wage for workers, debate has raged over the potential economic, social, and fiscal impact. Here are some of the pros and cons of raising the minimum wage
WASHINGTON—In an effort to limit the fallout from any unintended collateral damage, the Pentagon has dispatched a fleet of unmanned aerial vehicles to the Middle East specially designed to express condolences for the civilian casualties of U.S. drone airstrikes, sources confirmed Wednesday.
The Los Angeles City Council has voted to raise the minimum wage to $15 per hour by 2020, making it the biggest city in the nation to do so in an effort to improve the lives of the poorest Americans. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Gently applying a cool cloth to the plant’s kernels as he cradled its frail stalk in his arms, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack stayed up all night caring for a sick corn plant, sources close to the former Iowa governor confirmed Tuesday.
HICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.
COLUMBIA, MD—In a purely self-interested move that is certain to set the tone for the next 18 years, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Rebecca McBride is already off to a bad start as a mother after requesting an epidural during the delivery of her first child.
According to a new study from the London School of Economics, kids attending schools that ban cell phones during the day scored 6 percent better on tests than peers at schools that let kids have phones with them.What do you think?
HUDSON, WI—Making engine noises with his mouth as he guided a model bulldozer toward a Hot Wheels racetrack play set, local 5-year-old Dylan Walde was reportedly unaware Wednesday just how many of his toys have been purchased to steer him away from one day adopting a homosexual lifestyle.
TOPEKA, KS—Expressing dismay at his shockingly coldblooded behavior, sources confirmed that local man and heartless monster Ethan McKenzie, 34, walked out of local small business Hearthstone Artisan Goods on Tuesday without purchasing anything.
According to reports from some publications covering the Cannes Film Festival, a number of women who were wearing flats instead of high heels were turned away from the red carpet for a high-profile screening unless they changed shoes, and actor Josh Brolin allegedly responded that he would walk the red carpet in high heels to protest the policy. What do you think?
Everyone goes through breakups, but learning how to deal with your feelings and find closure can help you get over your split in a healthy, productive way. Here are some tips for surviving your breakup and moving on from your relationship
Due to the rising costs of Manhattan real estate, high-end toy store FAO Schwarz will close its iconic Fifth Avenue flagship location and look to open another store elsewhere in the city. What do you think?
TUCSON, AZ—Explaining that the large-scale shift in geologic conditions and social organization would require a new taxonomic classification, researchers at the University of Arizona released a report Tuesday revealing that humanity is approximately 10 years away from something that will be called the Ash Age.
NEW YORK—Having grossly miscalculated the resources required for an 18-month presidential bid, Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton announced Tuesday she had ended her race for the White House after blowing through $2 billion of campaign funds in a single month.
According to new research from Caltech, fruit flies are capable of entering a fear-like state when they see a shadow from a fly swatter, suggesting that small insects might contain the building blocks for emotion, though it’s unclear whether they experience emotions the way humans do. What do you think?
The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years
CARLISLE, PA—Saying she was having a “wonderful time” as she danced and socialized with fellow guests Saturday night, wedding-goer Corinne Bauer was said to be blissfully unaware she had barely made the cut to receive an invitation.
VILLANOVA, PA—Confirming that it is the single most frequent thought on fathers’ minds, a study released Monday by researchers at Villanova University found that the average dad thinks about sealing in meat’s juices between four and five hours per day.
MILL VALLEY, CA—Noting that there are dozens of awful aspects of his personality that he hasn’t even begun to address, sources confirmed Monday that local 28-year-old Ryan Glass’ constant self-deprecation only scratches the surface of how truly pathetic he is.
According to a new study, most parents of obese children don’t recognize their own child as obese because they measure him or her to peers rather than medical standards and estimate that the child is “about the right weight” even if they are significantly overweight. What do you think?
Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history
According to a new report by the Pew Research Center, the population of Americans who identify as Christian has dropped significantly over the past eight years, in part because one-third of millennials now say they are unaffiliated with any faith. What do you think?
MENLO PARK, CA—Traveling from every corner of the global media industry in hopes of bringing good favor to their organizations, emissaries from hundreds of publications reportedly made their daily pilgrimage to Facebook’s headquarters this morning in order to lay their content at the foot of Mark Zuckerberg.
WASHINGTON—Saying it was time all Americans were equally represented, the U.S. Treasury Department announced Thursday that it would honor the nation’s women by introducing the country’s first female currency.
CHARLOTTE, NC—Thrilled at the prospect of having to constantly reposition himself while straining to hear the movie’s dialogue, local man Sam Weber was excited Friday to watch a barely audible outdoor screening of Back To The Future from atop a hard, knobby tree root, sources reported.
According to a small study conducted by the Microsoft Corporation, the average human attention span is now down to eight seconds, or one second shorter than that of a goldfish, which the researchers blame on an increased reliance on technology. What do you think?
With the academic year winding down at grade schools and colleges across the country, students are buckling down and trying to maximize their study time before taking final exams. Here are some helpful tips as you cram for a test
WALTHAM, MA—Frustrated with a growing list of unacceptable workplace indignities, fed-up Catamount Systems employee Marc Holden is just about 14 years away from walking out the front door of his office and never returning, sources confirmed Thursday.
NEW YORK—In an effort to re-engage singles who had quit its service to pursue romance through other means, online dating platform OkCupid debuted a new feature Thursday that alerts former users when it’s time to come crawling back.
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—A report published Thursday by researchers at the University of Virginia has revealed that putting your head in your hands and quietly moaning is still the best known way of getting through the next several seconds.
MILWAUKEE—In what was sure to be a night they will remember for the rest of their lives, a group of excited Brewers players stayed after the team’s game against the White Sox Thursday evening to go onto the field and run the bases at Miller Park, sources confirmed.
NEW HAVEN, CT—Shedding new light on one of the most influential leaders in American history, Yale University historians released a report Thursday that suggests White House officials deliberately hid President Franklin Roosevelt’s mechanical spider legs from the public.
Citing the fact that only 2 percent of top-grossing films last year had female directors, the ACLU has demanded a formal inquiry by state and federal investigators into the hiring practices at Hollywood studios, networks, and talent agencies. What do you think?
To compete with online retailers that can use browsing data to make wardrobe recommendations, upscale retailers like Neiman Marcus and Nordstrom are reportedly testing virtual fitting rooms with smart mirrors that allow customers to see what they would look like in different outfits without having to undress. What do you think?
PYONGYANG—In light of the recent execution of yet another high-ranking North Korean official, newly sworn-in legislator Park Jun-seo told reporters Wednesday that he is wondering which method will eventually be used to put him to death.
Barack Obama announced Tuesday that his presidential library will be built on the South Side of Chicago, with construction on the ambitious project due for completion by 2020 or 2021. Here are some features the new library will contain
CAMDEN, NJ—Saying they were fed up with the numerous challenges stemming from their city’s extensive urban decay, Camden, NJ residents confirmed Wednesday that they would love to just skip to the part where they get a hip, revitalized restaurant scene.
HOUSTON—Stating that any damage would be limited to just a handful of species that somehow managed to survive that long, officials from the Shell Oil Company assured the public Wednesday that most of the Arctic wildlife living near their proposed drilling site will be extinct well before their next oil spill.
WASHINGTON—Taking a brief moment to mentally prepare for any number of potentially disturbing or utterly heartbreaking stories, millions of Americans reportedly steeled themselves Wednesday before clicking on a news article about a 55-year-old former NFL player.
WASHINGTON—Amidst rapidly rising costs throughout the health care system, a report published Wednesday by the American Hospital Association has found that nearly $2 billion is spent each year replacing gowns taken by patients who escape from the nation’s medical centers.
According to a report from Watchdog.org, New Jersey governor Chris Christie spent more than $300,000 from his state expense account during his five years in office on food, alcohol, and desserts. What do you think?
LOS ANGELES—Offering mothers and fathers a greater degree of control than ever over their baby’s development in utero, UCLA scientists announced a new procedure Wednesday that gives parents the ability to select the sexiness of their child.
CHICAGO—Claiming that the franchise is now on the brink of finally achieving something truly great, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace expressed his confidence Tuesday that the team has the right pieces in place to trade quarterback Jay Cutler.
According to a local ABC news affiliate, a professor at UC San Diego requires students in the class Visual Arts 104A: Performing the Self to strip naked and enact a “performance of the self” in a dark room for the final exam, though the school responded that students can also perform the exam with clothes on. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.
Officials for Whole Foods have announced that the chain of high-end grocery stores will soon launch a line of lower-priced stores with a “curated” selection of more simply designed foods for millennials and others who can’t afford Whole Foods’ prices. What do you think?
INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.
ATHENS, GREECE—In a finding that provides new insight into the roots of Western civilization, a team of anthropologists from Cambridge University announced Monday the discovery of an ancient Greek super PAC that helped shape the world’s first democracy.
Starbucks said that it will stop sourcing its Ethos bottled water from a private spring in the Sierra Nevada foothills and instead move bottling operations to Pennsylvania in an effort to “support the people of the state of California as they face this unprecedented drought.” What do you think?
As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:
BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration over the dearth of options that met her high standards, local mother Shannon Gail confirmed Monday that she was still looking for a preschool that would focus exclusively on her son.
UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
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Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Tossing and turning way past his beddy-bye, delicate little man Jeremy Palazola was reportedly unable to sleep Tuesday night because he drank a teensy bit of coffee after four o’clock.
ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.