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Tips

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Fireworks Safety Tips

Independence Day is quickly approaching, which means many friends and families are purchasing fireworks to set off in celebration. Here are some tips for preventing painful fireworks-related injuries:

  • Most serious injuries happen on July 4th, so set off your explosives on the day before or the day after.
  • Be sure to set off at least one firework as a tribute to Vulcan, ancient Roman god of fire, or face his wrath.
  • If a firework fails to ignite, there may be something wrong with it. To figure out the problem, examine the firework up close and watch carefully while you try reigniting it.
  • Anyone about to set off a “black snake” should prepare for a major disappointment.
  • Remember that fireworks can’t hurt you when you’re drunk. Nothing can.
  • The most effective treatment for burns is to go around showing people the burn and saying, “Look, I burned myself. Fuckin’ hurts.”
  • Glow sticks are great alternatives to sparklers for children whose parents are no fucking fun.
  • It’s safest to be as far as possible from the site of ignition. Instead of lighting the firework directly, set it off via a trail of gunpowder that’s at least 500 feet long.
  • When buying fireworks, remember: The bigger the firework, the higher it will fly, and the less likely it will be to hurt you.
  • Children should only use fireworks under the strict supervision of an adult or a slightly older cousin.
  • Do not invite stupid people to your fireworks display.

More from this section

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

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