Fireworks Safety Tips

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CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Fireworks Safety Tips

Independence Day is quickly approaching, which means many friends and families are purchasing fireworks to set off in celebration. Here are some tips for preventing painful fireworks-related injuries:

  • Most serious injuries happen on July 4th, so set off your explosives on the day before or the day after.
  • Be sure to set off at least one firework as a tribute to Vulcan, ancient Roman god of fire, or face his wrath.
  • If a firework fails to ignite, there may be something wrong with it. To figure out the problem, examine the firework up close and watch carefully while you try reigniting it.
  • Anyone about to set off a “black snake” should prepare for a major disappointment.
  • Remember that fireworks can’t hurt you when you’re drunk. Nothing can.
  • The most effective treatment for burns is to go around showing people the burn and saying, “Look, I burned myself. Fuckin’ hurts.”
  • Glow sticks are great alternatives to sparklers for children whose parents are no fucking fun.
  • It’s safest to be as far as possible from the site of ignition. Instead of lighting the firework directly, set it off via a trail of gunpowder that’s at least 500 feet long.
  • When buying fireworks, remember: The bigger the firework, the higher it will fly, and the less likely it will be to hurt you.
  • Children should only use fireworks under the strict supervision of an adult or a slightly older cousin.
  • Do not invite stupid people to your fireworks display.