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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Forgotten Sports

For every international sporting league, a dozen or more once-popular sports have fallen by the wayside. Here are some of the more notable forgotten games:

  • Net Net: A confusing net-based sport that involved players throwing, catching, collecting, hitting, and wearing nets
  • Roll the Ball: A game played by the ancient Incans that was deceptively difficult, considering the ball was a boulder measuring 30 feet around and weighing 6 tons
  • Screamball: Game where Jimmy Wall and Adam Segal got real drunk one night and threw a tennis ball at each other as hard as they could
  • Gleitenkugel: An avant-sport started in Germany, 'glide ball' involved an empty white court, a ball placed directly in the center of the floor, and two teams that walked right past the ball because it was beneath them
  • Man Combat, Double Gripsman, Takedown Circle, Pontration, and Sillyball (all different variations on the same game): Two men beat the shit out of each other
  • Footbound Olympics: In 10th-century China, men would watch and laugh as their wives attempted to run the 100-meter dash
  • Axe to the Head: A popular Dark Ages game in which one man would sneak up behind another and chop off his head with an ax
  • Tennis: Two opponents stand across a court and use rackets to hit a ball back and forth over a net

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