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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Forgotten Sports

For every international sporting league, a dozen or more once-popular sports have fallen by the wayside. Here are some of the more notable forgotten games:

  • Net Net: A confusing net-based sport that involved players throwing, catching, collecting, hitting, and wearing nets
  • Roll the Ball: A game played by the ancient Incans that was deceptively difficult, considering the ball was a boulder measuring 30 feet around and weighing 6 tons
  • Screamball: Game where Jimmy Wall and Adam Segal got real drunk one night and threw a tennis ball at each other as hard as they could
  • Gleitenkugel: An avant-sport started in Germany, 'glide ball' involved an empty white court, a ball placed directly in the center of the floor, and two teams that walked right past the ball because it was beneath them
  • Man Combat, Double Gripsman, Takedown Circle, Pontration, and Sillyball (all different variations on the same game): Two men beat the shit out of each other
  • Footbound Olympics: In 10th-century China, men would watch and laugh as their wives attempted to run the 100-meter dash
  • Axe to the Head: A popular Dark Ages game in which one man would sneak up behind another and chop off his head with an ax
  • Tennis: Two opponents stand across a court and use rackets to hit a ball back and forth over a net

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