Forgotten Sports

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Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Forgotten Sports

For every international sporting league, a dozen or more once-popular sports have fallen by the wayside. Here are some of the more notable forgotten games:

  • Net Net: A confusing net-based sport that involved players throwing, catching, collecting, hitting, and wearing nets
  • Roll the Ball: A game played by the ancient Incans that was deceptively difficult, considering the ball was a boulder measuring 30 feet around and weighing 6 tons
  • Screamball: Game where Jimmy Wall and Adam Segal got real drunk one night and threw a tennis ball at each other as hard as they could
  • Gleitenkugel: An avant-sport started in Germany, 'glide ball' involved an empty white court, a ball placed directly in the center of the floor, and two teams that walked right past the ball because it was beneath them
  • Man Combat, Double Gripsman, Takedown Circle, Pontration, and Sillyball (all different variations on the same game): Two men beat the shit out of each other
  • Footbound Olympics: In 10th-century China, men would watch and laugh as their wives attempted to run the 100-meter dash
  • Axe to the Head: A popular Dark Ages game in which one man would sneak up behind another and chop off his head with an ax
  • Tennis: Two opponents stand across a court and use rackets to hit a ball back and forth over a net


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