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'Friday The 13th' Franchise Relaunched

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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'Friday The 13th' Franchise Relaunched

Next week, Paramount Pictures is releasing a newly retooled Friday The 13th, produced by Michael Bay and directed by Marcus Nispel, who directed the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What has been changed in this version?

For the first time, we actually learn what month the story takes place in

Jason now wearing football helmet in addition to hockey mask

Drawn-out, winking cameo appearance by someone who must have been in the first one

Jason's illiterate grunting now corrected with Auto-Tune

Jason is 29 years older, 40 pounds heavier, and just coming out of a nasty divorce

Small role found for one of Hulk Hogan's kids.

Camp counselors waiting until marriage

It's four and a half hours long and it sucks

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