'Friday The 13th' Franchise Relaunched

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Vol 45 Issue 06

Digital TV Conversion Delayed

Congress voted to move the conversion to digital television from Feb. 17 to June 12 because of a shortage of government funding for coupons that help...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

'Friday The 13th' Franchise Relaunched

Next week, Paramount Pictures is releasing a newly retooled Friday The 13th, produced by Michael Bay and directed by Marcus Nispel, who directed the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What has been changed in this version?

For the first time, we actually learn what month the story takes place in

Jason now wearing football helmet in addition to hockey mask

Drawn-out, winking cameo appearance by someone who must have been in the first one

Jason's illiterate grunting now corrected with Auto-Tune

Jason is 29 years older, 40 pounds heavier, and just coming out of a nasty divorce

Small role found for one of Hulk Hogan's kids.

Camp counselors waiting until marriage

It's four and a half hours long and it sucks

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