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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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'Friday The 13th' Franchise Relaunched

Next week, Paramount Pictures is releasing a newly retooled Friday The 13th, produced by Michael Bay and directed by Marcus Nispel, who directed the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What has been changed in this version?

For the first time, we actually learn what month the story takes place in

Jason now wearing football helmet in addition to hockey mask

Drawn-out, winking cameo appearance by someone who must have been in the first one

Jason's illiterate grunting now corrected with Auto-Tune

Jason is 29 years older, 40 pounds heavier, and just coming out of a nasty divorce

Small role found for one of Hulk Hogan's kids.

Camp counselors waiting until marriage

It's four and a half hours long and it sucks

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