NEW YORK—A major jewel heist was lip-smackingly thwarted Monday, when noted criminal overlord Dr. Octopus was brought to justice thanks to Spiderman and the irresistible taste of Hostess Fruit Pies. According to reports, Octopus and two unidentified henchmen were in the process of burgling the fabulous Wentworth Jewels from the New York Museum when Spiderman happened upon the scene and distracted the would-be thieves with a shopping bag filled with an assortment of Hostess Fruit Pies, enabling the web-slinger to capture them. "How could I resist this flaky crust... this juicy filling?" said Octopus, happily munching a cherry pie as police hauled him away in a giant spiderweb. Spiderman warned that any criminal who consumed a Hostess pie would receive a big delight in every bite.
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—According to tests conducted by school psychologists and reading teachers, local third-grader Stephanie Franck is so mind-bogglingly stupid that she sees English text as though it were backwards. "When shown a flash card that reads 'milk,' this addle-pated dimwit responds with utterly senseless gobbledygook like 'klim,' 'kilm' and 'iklum,'" said Shore Road Elementary School psychologist Francine Grunwald. "How dumb can she be?" Grunwald has recommended that Franck be placed in one of the school's "retard-track" classes.
My father, Onion founder Herman Ulysses Zweibel, was a great man and a beloved figure throughout the Republic, until his reputation was eclipsed by time and my own greatness. That is why, for the benefit of those born in the 20th century, I have decided to publish my Pater's diaries in book form for the first time. My column to-day features several tantalizing excerpts from his days on the rugged frontier, as well as some from his waning years.
On July 24, Russell Weston Jr. entered the U.S. Capitol with a .38 caliber revolver and killed two guards, prompting calls for tighter security in the building that houses our nation's top lawmakers. What do you think?
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
BALTIMORE—Welcoming their trip to local bar Cavanaugh Tap House as a much-needed change of pace, a group of friends expressed their excitement Thursday at the opportunity to sit around and do nothing in a completely different setting, sources confirmed.
SAVANNAH, GA—Admitting he no longer had the energy to keep his negative emotions completely in check, local man James Franklin told reporters Monday that he was now too exhausted to repress both his anger and sadness.