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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Gaffes By NFL Replacement Referees

The NFL's replacement referees are off to an inauspicious start, bumbling numerous calls while officiating the first preseason games. Onion Sports takes a look at the worst blunders.

  • Failed to penalize team for unsportsmanlike behavior after player exhibited slightest bit of emotion after touchdown
  • Awarded a bronze medal to Algeria
  • Forgot to collect scorecards from the players as they left the field
  • Took the Hall of Fame Game seriously like a bunch of goddamn maniacs
  • Showed up on field in Eli Manning replica jerseys
  • Neglecting to call any holding penalties, which, regardless of whether there’s holding, are always a real crowd pleaser
  • Ruling everything outside the hash marks out of bounds
  • Replacement referee Rick Jansen made a terrible call, according to sad, decrepit humans watching preseason football in a bar
  • Crossing a picket line, screwing over colleagues, destroying any chance of every getting into pro referee union

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