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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.
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Gaffes By NFL Replacement Referees

The NFL's replacement referees are off to an inauspicious start, bumbling numerous calls while officiating the first preseason games. Onion Sports takes a look at the worst blunders.

  • Failed to penalize team for unsportsmanlike behavior after player exhibited slightest bit of emotion after touchdown
  • Awarded a bronze medal to Algeria
  • Forgot to collect scorecards from the players as they left the field
  • Took the Hall of Fame Game seriously like a bunch of goddamn maniacs
  • Showed up on field in Eli Manning replica jerseys
  • Neglecting to call any holding penalties, which, regardless of whether there’s holding, are always a real crowd pleaser
  • Ruling everything outside the hash marks out of bounds
  • Replacement referee Rick Jansen made a terrible call, according to sad, decrepit humans watching preseason football in a bar
  • Crossing a picket line, screwing over colleagues, destroying any chance of every getting into pro referee union

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