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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Gay Pride Celebrations Across U.S.

Gay pride marches and parades will be held this weekend across the United States as LGBT Pride Month draws to a close. Here are some local gay pride celebrations throughout the country:

  • San Francisco: Harvey Milk bobblehead day at AT&T Park
  • McComb, MS: The police department will go door to door giving homosexuals a special permanent marking on their forehead so everyone can know whom to be proud of
  • Addison, VT: William is going to proudly walk down Route 7 from the post office to the hardware store starting at 10 a.m. if anyone wants to come cheer him on
  • Reno, NV: Complimentary prime rib for anyone who comes out to friends and family at Harrah’s
  • Boise, ID: Six or seven gay guys are going fishing up at the lake; should be a nice afternoon
  • Nantucket, MA: This year’s parade to be populated mostly by married men who are only gay while on vacation
  • Bemidji, MN: Due to last year’s poor turnout at the local parade, organizers will bus in some extra gays from Minneapolis
  • Lubbock, TX: Pride Parade on Main St. at noon to be immediately followed by memorial for those lost during Pride Parade

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