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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Gay Pride Celebrations Across U.S.

Gay pride marches and parades will be held this weekend across the United States as LGBT Pride Month draws to a close. Here are some local gay pride celebrations throughout the country:

  • San Francisco: Harvey Milk bobblehead day at AT&T Park
  • McComb, MS: The police department will go door to door giving homosexuals a special permanent marking on their forehead so everyone can know whom to be proud of
  • Addison, VT: William is going to proudly walk down Route 7 from the post office to the hardware store starting at 10 a.m. if anyone wants to come cheer him on
  • Reno, NV: Complimentary prime rib for anyone who comes out to friends and family at Harrah’s
  • Boise, ID: Six or seven gay guys are going fishing up at the lake; should be a nice afternoon
  • Nantucket, MA: This year’s parade to be populated mostly by married men who are only gay while on vacation
  • Bemidji, MN: Due to last year’s poor turnout at the local parade, organizers will bus in some extra gays from Minneapolis
  • Lubbock, TX: Pride Parade on Main St. at noon to be immediately followed by memorial for those lost during Pride Parade

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