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Gay Pride Celebrations Across U.S.

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Gay Pride Celebrations Across U.S.

Gay pride marches and parades will be held this weekend across the United States as LGBT Pride Month draws to a close. Here are some local gay pride celebrations throughout the country:

  • San Francisco: Harvey Milk bobblehead day at AT&T Park
  • McComb, MS: The police department will go door to door giving homosexuals a special permanent marking on their forehead so everyone can know whom to be proud of
  • Addison, VT: William is going to proudly walk down Route 7 from the post office to the hardware store starting at 10 a.m. if anyone wants to come cheer him on
  • Reno, NV: Complimentary prime rib for anyone who comes out to friends and family at Harrah’s
  • Boise, ID: Six or seven gay guys are going fishing up at the lake; should be a nice afternoon
  • Nantucket, MA: This year’s parade to be populated mostly by married men who are only gay while on vacation
  • Bemidji, MN: Due to last year’s poor turnout at the local parade, organizers will bus in some extra gays from Minneapolis
  • Lubbock, TX: Pride Parade on Main St. at noon to be immediately followed by memorial for those lost during Pride Parade

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