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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Gen. Petraeus Delivers Iraq Report

Gen. David Petraeus gave his report on the effectiveness of the troop surge in Iraq to Congress Monday. Here are some of the most significant points:

Title Page, Acknowledgments, Introduction, Results, Conclusion, Appendix

Iraqi government officials still being assassinated, but just barely

Most U.S. soldiers can be relied upon to wake up on time

The six guys that Cameroon sent have been awesome

Due to overly negative review, footnote on every page stressing Patraeus' support of U.S. troops

Two of the 18 political and security benchmarks have been met: Birthday parties for all Iraqi parliamentarians are in place, and nobody died at 3:19 a.m. on July 22

By weight, Americans are now the country's majority

What a wild ride it's been

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