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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Getting To Know New Nets Owner Mikhail Prokhorov

Since buying the New Jersey Nets, Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has become a media fascination. Onion Sports takes a closer look at the man:

  • Bought Nets after being impressed by Jayson Williams' killing ability
  • Feels that owning an NBA basketball team is good for his cover
  • We're just going to go ahead and guess that he has a yacht you could land a helicopter on
  • Sam Cassell and Mikhail Prokhorov have never been seen in the same place at the same time
  • May or may not be able to help LeBron James locate his missing family, but what can Mr. James do for him?
  • Already feels right at home in corrupt New Jersey hellhole
  • "You like ride in tank? We go for ride in tank! The girls, they also come! Is make fun, yes? Ha!"
  • Also owns controlling interest in 80 percent of Russia's nuclear arsenal
  • Just checked on that yacht and helicopter thing, and sure enough, we called it
  • Will have no problem dealing with the sports press, as he has had journalists burned alive in their cars before

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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