Getting To Know New Nets Owner Mikhail Prokhorov

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ATLANTA—"It's like everything had shifted," Eric Phipps said. "All of a sudden, I was stopping by his cubicle to ask about his woodworking project, and he was at mine giving me the name of a good chiropractor my sister should try for her back spasms. Then somehow I suddenly had his personal e-mail address."

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Getting To Know New Nets Owner Mikhail Prokhorov

Since buying the New Jersey Nets, Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has become a media fascination. Onion Sports takes a closer look at the man:

  • Bought Nets after being impressed by Jayson Williams' killing ability
  • Feels that owning an NBA basketball team is good for his cover
  • We're just going to go ahead and guess that he has a yacht you could land a helicopter on
  • Sam Cassell and Mikhail Prokhorov have never been seen in the same place at the same time
  • May or may not be able to help LeBron James locate his missing family, but what can Mr. James do for him?
  • Already feels right at home in corrupt New Jersey hellhole
  • "You like ride in tank? We go for ride in tank! The girls, they also come! Is make fun, yes? Ha!"
  • Also owns controlling interest in 80 percent of Russia's nuclear arsenal
  • Just checked on that yacht and helicopter thing, and sure enough, we called it
  • Will have no problem dealing with the sports press, as he has had journalists burned alive in their cars before
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