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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Getting To Know New Nets Owner Mikhail Prokhorov

Since buying the New Jersey Nets, Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has become a media fascination. Onion Sports takes a closer look at the man:

  • Bought Nets after being impressed by Jayson Williams' killing ability
  • Feels that owning an NBA basketball team is good for his cover
  • We're just going to go ahead and guess that he has a yacht you could land a helicopter on
  • Sam Cassell and Mikhail Prokhorov have never been seen in the same place at the same time
  • May or may not be able to help LeBron James locate his missing family, but what can Mr. James do for him?
  • Already feels right at home in corrupt New Jersey hellhole
  • "You like ride in tank? We go for ride in tank! The girls, they also come! Is make fun, yes? Ha!"
  • Also owns controlling interest in 80 percent of Russia's nuclear arsenal
  • Just checked on that yacht and helicopter thing, and sure enough, we called it
  • Will have no problem dealing with the sports press, as he has had journalists burned alive in their cars before

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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