adBlockCheck

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

G.I. Joe Turns 50

This week marks the 50th anniversary of the release of G.I Joe, the first toy to be marketed under the term “action figure.” Here’s a look back at the history of the iconic Hasbro product:

  • 1964: Hasbro releases its first G.I. Joe action figure, providing millions of children and adult cowards with a fun way to fantasize about military service
  • 1968: Hasbro introduces G.I. Joe’s original arch nemesis, Steven The Dishonest Fiddler Crab. The character is a commercial disaster.
  • 1970: Hasbro quickly redacts a new storyline in which G.I. Joe is dishonorably discharged for desertion
  • 1973: G.I. Joe sees some real shit, you know?
  • 1990: Six-year-old Robert Bowman unknowingly recreates the exact battle his enlisted father is currently participating in
  • 1999: Your father goes back to the store on the day after Christmas to get the right play set, so you better thank him. He doesn’t like to show it, but he loves you so much.
  • 2005: Hasbro releases the G.I. Joe VA Hospital Waiting Room play set
  • 2010: Nine-year-old Dylan Kellman’s G.I. Joe action figure is inducted in the National Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, NY after defeating a record 29 bad guys in just 20 minutes of playtime

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close