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G.I. Joe Turns 50

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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

G.I. Joe Turns 50

This week marks the 50th anniversary of the release of G.I Joe, the first toy to be marketed under the term “action figure.” Here’s a look back at the history of the iconic Hasbro product:

  • 1964: Hasbro releases its first G.I. Joe action figure, providing millions of children and adult cowards with a fun way to fantasize about military service
  • 1968: Hasbro introduces G.I. Joe’s original arch nemesis, Steven The Dishonest Fiddler Crab. The character is a commercial disaster.
  • 1970: Hasbro quickly redacts a new storyline in which G.I. Joe is dishonorably discharged for desertion
  • 1973: G.I. Joe sees some real shit, you know?
  • 1990: Six-year-old Robert Bowman unknowingly recreates the exact battle his enlisted father is currently participating in
  • 1999: Your father goes back to the store on the day after Christmas to get the right play set, so you better thank him. He doesn’t like to show it, but he loves you so much.
  • 2005: Hasbro releases the G.I. Joe VA Hospital Waiting Room play set
  • 2010: Nine-year-old Dylan Kellman’s G.I. Joe action figure is inducted in the National Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, NY after defeating a record 29 bad guys in just 20 minutes of playtime

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