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G.I. Joe Turns 50

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Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

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WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

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Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

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G.I. Joe Turns 50

This week marks the 50th anniversary of the release of G.I Joe, the first toy to be marketed under the term “action figure.” Here’s a look back at the history of the iconic Hasbro product:

  • 1964: Hasbro releases its first G.I. Joe action figure, providing millions of children and adult cowards with a fun way to fantasize about military service
  • 1968: Hasbro introduces G.I. Joe’s original arch nemesis, Steven The Dishonest Fiddler Crab. The character is a commercial disaster.
  • 1970: Hasbro quickly redacts a new storyline in which G.I. Joe is dishonorably discharged for desertion
  • 1973: G.I. Joe sees some real shit, you know?
  • 1990: Six-year-old Robert Bowman unknowingly recreates the exact battle his enlisted father is currently participating in
  • 1999: Your father goes back to the store on the day after Christmas to get the right play set, so you better thank him. He doesn’t like to show it, but he loves you so much.
  • 2005: Hasbro releases the G.I. Joe VA Hospital Waiting Room play set
  • 2010: Nine-year-old Dylan Kellman’s G.I. Joe action figure is inducted in the National Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, NY after defeating a record 29 bad guys in just 20 minutes of playtime

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