adBlockCheck

Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
End Of Section
  • More News

Gingrich Drops Out Of Presidential Race

Former House speaker Newt Gingrich formally announced he was ending his bid to become the Republican candidate for president last week. Here are some highlights from his yearlong campaign:

  • May 1, 2011: Gingrich wakes up in the middle of the night, decides he wants to boost his speaking fees, and decides on the best course of action to do so
  • May 9, 2011: Prior to announcing run, ordered 500 monogrammed kerchiefs into which he could discretely spit out revolting regional cuisine on the campaign trail
  • Aug. 11, 2011: Stuck onstage during a debate for two hours straight with no snack break, a famished, hallucinating Gingrich begins to eat his lapel
  • Nov. 18, 2011: After realizing the phrase "poor children should work as janitors in their schools" has just tumbled out of his mouth, Gingrich decides to run with it and pretend it's a legitimate, valid idea that his supporters should actually back
  • Dec. 20, 2011: Has pancakes for 93rd consecutive day in Iowa
  • Jan. 21, 2012: Newt uses his superhuman powers as a historian to make 40 percent of South Carolina Republicans forget he's an unelectable asshole
  • Jan. 25, 2012: In a move that many dismiss as shameless pandering, Gingrich vows to an audience in Florida that he will put an American base on the moon, fill it with fresh orange juice, serve large Cuban sandwiches up there, and allow a lot of rich old Jews to buy in on the investment
  • Feb. 12, 2012: Campaign explores feasibility of switching Callista Gingrich’s part to other side
  • Apr. 3, 2012: Slumping poll numbers and lack of campaign cash momentarily worry Gingrich, but he cheers up after thinking of a way to tickle himself and still laugh

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close