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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Gingrich Drops Out Of Presidential Race

Former House speaker Newt Gingrich formally announced he was ending his bid to become the Republican candidate for president last week. Here are some highlights from his yearlong campaign:

  • May 1, 2011: Gingrich wakes up in the middle of the night, decides he wants to boost his speaking fees, and decides on the best course of action to do so
  • May 9, 2011: Prior to announcing run, ordered 500 monogrammed kerchiefs into which he could discretely spit out revolting regional cuisine on the campaign trail
  • Aug. 11, 2011: Stuck onstage during a debate for two hours straight with no snack break, a famished, hallucinating Gingrich begins to eat his lapel
  • Nov. 18, 2011: After realizing the phrase "poor children should work as janitors in their schools" has just tumbled out of his mouth, Gingrich decides to run with it and pretend it's a legitimate, valid idea that his supporters should actually back
  • Dec. 20, 2011: Has pancakes for 93rd consecutive day in Iowa
  • Jan. 21, 2012: Newt uses his superhuman powers as a historian to make 40 percent of South Carolina Republicans forget he's an unelectable asshole
  • Jan. 25, 2012: In a move that many dismiss as shameless pandering, Gingrich vows to an audience in Florida that he will put an American base on the moon, fill it with fresh orange juice, serve large Cuban sandwiches up there, and allow a lot of rich old Jews to buy in on the investment
  • Feb. 12, 2012: Campaign explores feasibility of switching Callista Gingrich’s part to other side
  • Apr. 3, 2012: Slumping poll numbers and lack of campaign cash momentarily worry Gingrich, but he cheers up after thinking of a way to tickle himself and still laugh

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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

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