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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Gingrich Drops Out Of Presidential Race

Former House speaker Newt Gingrich formally announced he was ending his bid to become the Republican candidate for president last week. Here are some highlights from his yearlong campaign:

  • May 1, 2011: Gingrich wakes up in the middle of the night, decides he wants to boost his speaking fees, and decides on the best course of action to do so
  • May 9, 2011: Prior to announcing run, ordered 500 monogrammed kerchiefs into which he could discretely spit out revolting regional cuisine on the campaign trail
  • Aug. 11, 2011: Stuck onstage during a debate for two hours straight with no snack break, a famished, hallucinating Gingrich begins to eat his lapel
  • Nov. 18, 2011: After realizing the phrase "poor children should work as janitors in their schools" has just tumbled out of his mouth, Gingrich decides to run with it and pretend it's a legitimate, valid idea that his supporters should actually back
  • Dec. 20, 2011: Has pancakes for 93rd consecutive day in Iowa
  • Jan. 21, 2012: Newt uses his superhuman powers as a historian to make 40 percent of South Carolina Republicans forget he's an unelectable asshole
  • Jan. 25, 2012: In a move that many dismiss as shameless pandering, Gingrich vows to an audience in Florida that he will put an American base on the moon, fill it with fresh orange juice, serve large Cuban sandwiches up there, and allow a lot of rich old Jews to buy in on the investment
  • Feb. 12, 2012: Campaign explores feasibility of switching Callista Gingrich’s part to other side
  • Apr. 3, 2012: Slumping poll numbers and lack of campaign cash momentarily worry Gingrich, but he cheers up after thinking of a way to tickle himself and still laugh

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