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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Gingrich Drops Out Of Presidential Race

Former House speaker Newt Gingrich formally announced he was ending his bid to become the Republican candidate for president last week. Here are some highlights from his yearlong campaign:

  • May 1, 2011: Gingrich wakes up in the middle of the night, decides he wants to boost his speaking fees, and decides on the best course of action to do so
  • May 9, 2011: Prior to announcing run, ordered 500 monogrammed kerchiefs into which he could discretely spit out revolting regional cuisine on the campaign trail
  • Aug. 11, 2011: Stuck onstage during a debate for two hours straight with no snack break, a famished, hallucinating Gingrich begins to eat his lapel
  • Nov. 18, 2011: After realizing the phrase "poor children should work as janitors in their schools" has just tumbled out of his mouth, Gingrich decides to run with it and pretend it's a legitimate, valid idea that his supporters should actually back
  • Dec. 20, 2011: Has pancakes for 93rd consecutive day in Iowa
  • Jan. 21, 2012: Newt uses his superhuman powers as a historian to make 40 percent of South Carolina Republicans forget he's an unelectable asshole
  • Jan. 25, 2012: In a move that many dismiss as shameless pandering, Gingrich vows to an audience in Florida that he will put an American base on the moon, fill it with fresh orange juice, serve large Cuban sandwiches up there, and allow a lot of rich old Jews to buy in on the investment
  • Feb. 12, 2012: Campaign explores feasibility of switching Callista Gingrich’s part to other side
  • Apr. 3, 2012: Slumping poll numbers and lack of campaign cash momentarily worry Gingrich, but he cheers up after thinking of a way to tickle himself and still laugh

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Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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