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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Girl Scouts Turns 100

Juliette Gordon Low started the Girl Scouts of America in Savannah, GA on Mar. 12, 1912. Here are some highlights from the organization's century of providing activities and education:

  • 1918: Thousands of merit badges are awarded posthumously during the Spanish flu pandemic
  • 1925: The first females are admitted to this formerly all-male group reserved for the girliest members of the Boy Scouts
  • 1934: Rumblings of Ms. Persimmon's affections for Ms. Cartwright cause quite the stir
  • 1944: Doing their part for the war effort, Girl Scouts build 156 P-51 Mustang fighters
  • 1967: Yeast infections plummet when the organization begins teaching the front-to-back wipe method
  • 1968: In tumultuous times, Girl Scouts are dispatched to the South to pick up race-riot litter off Louisville, KY streets
  • 1984: The Girl Scouts' youngest membership group, Daisies, is created to introduce girls as young as 5 years old to the valuable life skill of leveraging their cute outward appearances to sell goods and get ahead
  • 1994: The entire 3-million-member Girl Scout organization stays up all night talking about Jonathan Taylor Thomas
  • 2011: Scout Mindy Johns wanders into the wilderness and returns with vision for new Savannah Smiles cookie

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