STATESVILLE, NC—Taking note of their audible sighs and the undercurrent of resentment evident in their attempts at cooperation, gourmet cooking class instructor Dana Robertson told reporters Wednesday she could already tell which couples signed up for her French Bistro Basics course based on their marriage counselor’s recommendation.
SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
ALTAMONTE SPRINGS, FL—Growing increasingly tense as he listened to the jovial back-and-forth exchange on his immediate right, local barbershop patron Dan Wilkes reportedly felt immense pressure Friday to live up to the conversation occurring between the stylist and the customer at the next chair.
HAMPTON, VA—Explaining that his current employment situation is intended merely as a stopgap, local man Simon Goldinger, 23, confirmed Thursday that he only plans to wait tables until the fundamental structure of the American economy undergoes a complete overhaul.
SKOKIE, IL—Describing how the affection between the pair was apparent the moment he met them, Father Gregory McNeil is said to have delivered a whole little spiel Saturday about how truly in love local couple Colin Brayer and Allison Trudeau are despite him not knowing them for very long.
SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.
BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.
AUSTIN, TX—Saying they’ve been keeping a close eye on their 4-year-old’s skill at memory games, the breadth of his vocabulary, and his overall behavior, local parents Greg and Lisa Weiss told reporters Thursday they’re trying to gauge if their son is a complete idiot before deciding whether to move to a better school district.
CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.
SLATON, TX—Comforting grieving teammates and students left and right, Byron Meadows High School psychologist Mark Caldwell was said to be absolutely crushing it this week in the wake of a fatal varsity football injury.
SOUTH BEND, IN—Holding the straps of his brand-new backpack while confidently striding toward homeroom Thursday, self-assured seventh-grader Caleb Burgess reportedly announced “new year, new Caleb” on his first day of school.
NASHVILLE, TN—Her formerly cheerful voice suddenly becoming clipped and terse, Kroger morning supervisor Deanna Albas reportedly dropped her friendly cashier persona Thursday in order to address a struggling trainee.
SEATTLE—Frustrated with the endless comparisons of the game to human interactions in the real world, globally ranked chess grandmaster Adam Van De Lay admitted Thursday that he is growing “sick and tired” of the average person’s tendency to compare every life situation to a chess match.
BOULDER, CO—Saying he would try his best to learn them all by heart, University of Colorado professor Derek Pollard took a moment Tuesday to remind his students it will take him a few classes to memorize everyone’s triggers.
WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
SYRACUSE, NY—Sending a surge of long-dormant, unwanted memories coursing through 27-year-old Chris Bellinger’s mind as he searched his laptop for an unrelated document Friday, the sudden resurfacing of a file called “Lyrics.doc” reportedly brought forth a chilling reminder of a life the local man thought he left behind years ago.
BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
LOS ANGELES—Fondly imagining herself having her own cubicle in the office that will be rented out to a different business by spring, Cordcrusher Media intern Nicole Dunn, 21, told reporters Monday she’s hoping to land a full-time position at the company that will not exist in eight months.