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God's Wrath According To Pat Robertson

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

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God's Wrath According To Pat Robertson

700 Club founder Pat Robertson stated that the earthquake in Haiti, which may have killed 100,000 people, was God's punishment for a deal Haitian slaves made with the devil 200 years ago to get out from under French rule. Here are some other tragedies and Robertson's explanations for them:

  • Eruption of Mount St. Helens, 1980: Divine wrath was incurred when people were too busy enjoying the natural beauty of Washington state and not spending enough time appreciating God
  • Space Shuttle Challenger Explosion, 1986: Ten-year-old Walt Sudul, of Racine, WI, made friends with a Jewish boy at school
  • Oakland Hills Firestorm, 1991: Emily Garrity pointed out a logical inconsistency in the concept of an omnipotent god to her Sunday school teacher
  • Magic Johnson Tests Positive for HIV, 1991: An ardent Portland Trail Blazers fan, God was horrified to see His team lose 4-2 to the Los Angeles Lakers in the 1991 Western Conference Finals, and thus decided to give the winner's best player AIDS
  • Crash of American Airlines Flight 587, 2001: Though the flight was filled with pious individuals, God was distracted by a masturbating 14-year-old in Boise, ID and was therefore unable to keep the aircraft from falling apart in midair, like all planes would without His loving intervention
  • Columbine High School Massacre, 1999: Tinky Winky
  • Indian Ocean Tsunami, 2004: Newlyweds Todd and Nancy Tate experimented with non-missionary sex during their honeymoon
  • Hurricane Katrina, 2005: Divine retribution for Girls Gone Wild: Mardi Gras (Volume 3)

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