Saying that the rising price of the commodity has begun to “burn their gumlines,” millions of American lunatics admitted this week that they have been struggling to afford adequate amounts of car meat. Full article.
Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
CHATTANOOGA, TN—Hailing him as a revolutionary figure who forever changed the way the game was played, sources confirmed Friday that Art Folson, the pickup football pioneer credited with introducing the famed “Five Mississippi” blitz count, has passed away at the age of 94.
NEW YORK—Acknowledging that the referee’s original ruling represented a grave miscarriage of justice, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman issued an official pardon Thursday to former Detroit Red Wings center Steve Yzerman for his 1997 slashing penalty against the Phoenix Coyotes.
BALTIMORE—Crowding into the arrivals area sporting “2017 Champs!” T-shirts and waving handmade signs, thousands of fans reportedly gathered at Baltimore-Washington International Airport Monday to greet the plastic crates carrying Team Fluff after their Puppy Bowl XIII victory.
PALM BEACH, FL—Saying that the noisy group was really getting on his nerves, Mar-a-Lago country club member Walter Forsyth reportedly complained to the management Thursday about the obnoxious U.S. cabinet meeting seated at the next table.
CHICAGO—Growing increasingly ashamed as he imagined how many people must have already noticed, local man Matt Quinlan was reportedly humiliated Friday upon discovering ornate embroidery on his jeans’ back pocket.
NEW YORK—Saying it was hard not to unfavorably compare himself to his peers, part-time catering assistant Ian Presser, 26, told reporters Thursday that he feels self-conscious after always seeing his friends fail slightly less than him.