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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Great Boston Marathon Moments

Robert K. Cheruiyot set the new course record in this year's Boston Marathon, adding yet another chapter to the legend of this great road race.

  • 1897: In what is seen as the seminal moment of the modern Boston Marathon, everyone just quits at mile 26.2
  • 1903: Marathon winner John Lorden sets a new course record with a time of 12 days, 21 hours, and 42 seconds
  • 1911: 73-year-old Brian Turner becomes the first runner to annoy everyone by making a big show of running the marathon at an older age
  • 1958: First year without drunk participants
  • 1988: Ibrahim Hussein becomes the first Kenyan to win the marathon; until this point, Kenyans sucked at the Boston Marathon
  • 2002: The idiot participant dressed as a colonial soldier is unfortunately not the one to die
  • 2006: Got to hand it to your annoying-as-hell coworker, she ran the thing
  • 2009: Peter Crowley, 52, continues the century-long tradition of at least one Boston resident using a racial epithet to describe that year's race winner

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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