adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Great Boston Marathon Moments

Robert K. Cheruiyot set the new course record in this year's Boston Marathon, adding yet another chapter to the legend of this great road race.

  • 1897: In what is seen as the seminal moment of the modern Boston Marathon, everyone just quits at mile 26.2
  • 1903: Marathon winner John Lorden sets a new course record with a time of 12 days, 21 hours, and 42 seconds
  • 1911: 73-year-old Brian Turner becomes the first runner to annoy everyone by making a big show of running the marathon at an older age
  • 1958: First year without drunk participants
  • 1988: Ibrahim Hussein becomes the first Kenyan to win the marathon; until this point, Kenyans sucked at the Boston Marathon
  • 2002: The idiot participant dressed as a colonial soldier is unfortunately not the one to die
  • 2006: Got to hand it to your annoying-as-hell coworker, she ran the thing
  • 2009: Peter Crowley, 52, continues the century-long tradition of at least one Boston resident using a racial epithet to describe that year's race winner

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close