adBlockCheck

Sports

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Great Boston Marathon Moments

Robert K. Cheruiyot set the new course record in this year's Boston Marathon, adding yet another chapter to the legend of this great road race.

  • 1897: In what is seen as the seminal moment of the modern Boston Marathon, everyone just quits at mile 26.2
  • 1903: Marathon winner John Lorden sets a new course record with a time of 12 days, 21 hours, and 42 seconds
  • 1911: 73-year-old Brian Turner becomes the first runner to annoy everyone by making a big show of running the marathon at an older age
  • 1958: First year without drunk participants
  • 1988: Ibrahim Hussein becomes the first Kenyan to win the marathon; until this point, Kenyans sucked at the Boston Marathon
  • 2002: The idiot participant dressed as a colonial soldier is unfortunately not the one to die
  • 2006: Got to hand it to your annoying-as-hell coworker, she ran the thing
  • 2009: Peter Crowley, 52, continues the century-long tradition of at least one Boston resident using a racial epithet to describe that year's race winner

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close