Great Career Comebacks

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Great Career Comebacks

With Manny Ramirez attempting to return to the MLB at 41 years old, Onion Sports provides a guide to athletic competitors with the most amazing career comebacks.

  • Hank Aaron: After hitting into a double play in his first Major League at-bat, Aaron managed to turn his career around and hit 755 home runs in the subsequent 12,363 at-bats
  • Tiger Woods: Led all athletes in career comebacks in the past five years, averaging 4.6 comebacks per year
  • Lance Armstrong: Faced with a dim cancer prognosis, Armstrong managed to persevere and win a remarkable zero Tour de France titles
  • Josh Hamilton: For years, one of baseball’s most fearsome power hitters languished in an endless cycle of drugs and despair. But today, Josh Hamilton is clean and sober, and he’s proven that you don’t need a Louisville Slugger to hit addiction out of the park.
  • Michael Jordan: After spending a year playing minor league baseball, Jordan returned to the NBA in spectacular fashion, making his number 45 Bulls jersey the most recognizable in the sports world
  • Roger Federer: The 22-year-old remarkably won his first Grand Slam title at Wimbledon, having not played tennis since the age of 14
  • Muhammad Ali: Nearly four years into his suspension from boxing due to his refusal to fight in the Vietnam War, the legendary boxer was reinstated and given the opportunity to get his ass kicked by Joe Frazier
  • Monica Seles: After being stabbed during a match by a deranged fan, Seles went on to survive 15 more on-court stabbings when she returned to tennis two years later
  • Tommy John: The Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher faced a devastating injury that would have forced his premature retirement had doctors not successfully performed a revolutionary surgery in which the elbow ligament is replaced by the forearm tendons of as many as 20 infant children
  • Mario Lemieux: Made his highly anticipated return to the NHL after a three-year absence to fulfill his desire to play five more seasons without winning the Stanley Cup
  • Roger Clemens: Experienced an inspiring late-career renaissance after his body suddenly and inexplicably grew to five times its original size


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