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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Great Career Comebacks

With Manny Ramirez attempting to return to the MLB at 41 years old, Onion Sports provides a guide to athletic competitors with the most amazing career comebacks.

  • Hank Aaron: After hitting into a double play in his first Major League at-bat, Aaron managed to turn his career around and hit 755 home runs in the subsequent 12,363 at-bats
  • Tiger Woods: Led all athletes in career comebacks in the past five years, averaging 4.6 comebacks per year
  • Lance Armstrong: Faced with a dim cancer prognosis, Armstrong managed to persevere and win a remarkable zero Tour de France titles
  • Josh Hamilton: For years, one of baseball’s most fearsome power hitters languished in an endless cycle of drugs and despair. But today, Josh Hamilton is clean and sober, and he’s proven that you don’t need a Louisville Slugger to hit addiction out of the park.
  • Michael Jordan: After spending a year playing minor league baseball, Jordan returned to the NBA in spectacular fashion, making his number 45 Bulls jersey the most recognizable in the sports world
  • Roger Federer: The 22-year-old remarkably won his first Grand Slam title at Wimbledon, having not played tennis since the age of 14
  • Muhammad Ali: Nearly four years into his suspension from boxing due to his refusal to fight in the Vietnam War, the legendary boxer was reinstated and given the opportunity to get his ass kicked by Joe Frazier
  • Monica Seles: After being stabbed during a match by a deranged fan, Seles went on to survive 15 more on-court stabbings when she returned to tennis two years later
  • Tommy John: The Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher faced a devastating injury that would have forced his premature retirement had doctors not successfully performed a revolutionary surgery in which the elbow ligament is replaced by the forearm tendons of as many as 20 infant children
  • Mario Lemieux: Made his highly anticipated return to the NHL after a three-year absence to fulfill his desire to play five more seasons without winning the Stanley Cup
  • Roger Clemens: Experienced an inspiring late-career renaissance after his body suddenly and inexplicably grew to five times its original size

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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