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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Great Career Comebacks

With Manny Ramirez attempting to return to the MLB at 41 years old, Onion Sports provides a guide to athletic competitors with the most amazing career comebacks.

  • Hank Aaron: After hitting into a double play in his first Major League at-bat, Aaron managed to turn his career around and hit 755 home runs in the subsequent 12,363 at-bats
  • Tiger Woods: Led all athletes in career comebacks in the past five years, averaging 4.6 comebacks per year
  • Lance Armstrong: Faced with a dim cancer prognosis, Armstrong managed to persevere and win a remarkable zero Tour de France titles
  • Josh Hamilton: For years, one of baseball’s most fearsome power hitters languished in an endless cycle of drugs and despair. But today, Josh Hamilton is clean and sober, and he’s proven that you don’t need a Louisville Slugger to hit addiction out of the park.
  • Michael Jordan: After spending a year playing minor league baseball, Jordan returned to the NBA in spectacular fashion, making his number 45 Bulls jersey the most recognizable in the sports world
  • Roger Federer: The 22-year-old remarkably won his first Grand Slam title at Wimbledon, having not played tennis since the age of 14
  • Muhammad Ali: Nearly four years into his suspension from boxing due to his refusal to fight in the Vietnam War, the legendary boxer was reinstated and given the opportunity to get his ass kicked by Joe Frazier
  • Monica Seles: After being stabbed during a match by a deranged fan, Seles went on to survive 15 more on-court stabbings when she returned to tennis two years later
  • Tommy John: The Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher faced a devastating injury that would have forced his premature retirement had doctors not successfully performed a revolutionary surgery in which the elbow ligament is replaced by the forearm tendons of as many as 20 infant children
  • Mario Lemieux: Made his highly anticipated return to the NHL after a three-year absence to fulfill his desire to play five more seasons without winning the Stanley Cup
  • Roger Clemens: Experienced an inspiring late-career renaissance after his body suddenly and inexplicably grew to five times its original size

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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