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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Great Cinderella Stories From The Annals Of Sports

This year's NCAA Final Four is without a doubt an all-powerhouse spectacle featuring four highly seeded teams, but it leaves fans without an overachieving George Mason, Milwaukee, or Butler to root for. To compensate, Onion Sports looks back at sports' greatest Cinderella stories:

1979, 1982, 1985, 1990: Rocky wins

2004: After their unbelievable go-from-ahead loss to the Boston Red Sox, the Yankees add to their storied history by becoming the first baseball team ever to lose a playoff series after winning the first three games

2006: The Team USA basketball team goes from being absolutely terrible in the Athens Summer Olympics to being not really all that terrible in the World Championships

1997: Forgetting that it does in fact happen every year, thousands of Americans are surprised and delighted when a female basketball team wins the NCAA tournament

1995: Fans storm the field and celebrate long into the night when, in one of the most unlikely moments in team history, the Kansas City Royals win their first game of the season

2004: With a $127 million payroll, four potential Hall Of Famers, a dominant starting rotation, and one of the most feared lineups in baseball, the Boston Red Sox overcome insurmountable odds to win the World Series

1990: While mourning the loss of Phil Simms to injury, Giants coach Bill Parcells finds a single cleat on the Meadowlands turf and sets out at once to travel the land, trying it on the foot of every quarterback he can find; upon discovering the cleat fits handsome young Jeff Hostetler, Parcells marries him in a magical ceremony at an enchanted palace and they go on to win Super Bowl XXV 20-19

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