Great Cinderella Stories From The Annals Of Sports

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Great Cinderella Stories From The Annals Of Sports

This year's NCAA Final Four is without a doubt an all-powerhouse spectacle featuring four highly seeded teams, but it leaves fans without an overachieving George Mason, Milwaukee, or Butler to root for. To compensate, Onion Sports looks back at sports' greatest Cinderella stories:

1979, 1982, 1985, 1990: Rocky wins

2004: After their unbelievable go-from-ahead loss to the Boston Red Sox, the Yankees add to their storied history by becoming the first baseball team ever to lose a playoff series after winning the first three games

2006: The Team USA basketball team goes from being absolutely terrible in the Athens Summer Olympics to being not really all that terrible in the World Championships

1997: Forgetting that it does in fact happen every year, thousands of Americans are surprised and delighted when a female basketball team wins the NCAA tournament

1995: Fans storm the field and celebrate long into the night when, in one of the most unlikely moments in team history, the Kansas City Royals win their first game of the season

2004: With a $127 million payroll, four potential Hall Of Famers, a dominant starting rotation, and one of the most feared lineups in baseball, the Boston Red Sox overcome insurmountable odds to win the World Series

1990: While mourning the loss of Phil Simms to injury, Giants coach Bill Parcells finds a single cleat on the Meadowlands turf and sets out at once to travel the land, trying it on the foot of every quarterback he can find; upon discovering the cleat fits handsome young Jeff Hostetler, Parcells marries him in a magical ceremony at an enchanted palace and they go on to win Super Bowl XXV 20-19


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