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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Great College Football Traditions

College football is as much about pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game. Onion Sports takes a look at some of college football's great traditions:

University of Kentucky: Fans show up at the stadium a little while before the game

UConn: Just moments prior to each contest, it is traditional for specially selected UConn players to participate in the fabled "coin toss"

Texas A&M: In a tradition called "yell practice," the student populace is re-taught how to spell the word "defense" in an exhaustive two-hour pregame ritual

Iowa: Fans all wear black or yellow sweatpants

Opponents of Clemson: Each night before visiting teams face Clemson, they perform the traditional custom of urinating all over Howard Rock

Michigan State: Entire student body comes down onto the field after every game and runs in circles until they collapse from dizziness

Princeton: On the morning before every game, hordes of Tiger fans gather together to close their eyes tightly and imagine what it must have been like to win the first national championship

Stanford: Cardinal fans are too smart to believe they can affect the outcome of the game, so they do not do anything

Michigan: A new tradition this year, students, players, and fans will surely be pumped seeing former coach Bo Schembechler's skull mounted above the home team's sideline

Notre Dame: As they leave the locker room, players reverently touch a sign reading "Act Like A Smug Arrogant Bastard Despite Playing For A Drastically Overrated Team That Isn't Even Ranked In The Top 25 Today"

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