Great Moments In Electric Football History

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Great Moments In Electric Football History

Norman Sas, the inventor of Electric Football, has passed away at 87, leaving behind a legacy of buzzing, spinning, nostalgic football simulation. Onion Sports looks at the greatest milestones in the game he created

  • 1948: Sas designs the frustratingly shaky and uncontrolled movements of Electric Football players to provide the perfect foreshadowing of post-NFL life for most actual players
  • 1958: 14-year-old Jason Goldberg is the first to discover that it feels good to rub up against the field while it's vibrating, leading to a revolution in game strategy
  • 1968: Three different Electric Football players shatter the record for total passes completed in a single game, with two
  • 1977: A skateboarding Snoopy becomes the first McDonald's toy to start for an Electric Football team
  • 1981: Grandma plays for five minutes
  • 1987: First confirmed intentional touchdown
  • 2011: Brian Callahan, 12, finds his dad’s Electric Football game in the attic and spends three hours trying to get the confusing, chaotic old hunk of junk to work correctly before realizing it's actually in mint condition and functioning perfectly
  • 1949-2012: Randomly moving plastic toy football players teach millions of children a valuable lesson about the futility of trying to control one's fate in a constantly shifting universe


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