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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Great Moments In Electric Football History

Norman Sas, the inventor of Electric Football, has passed away at 87, leaving behind a legacy of buzzing, spinning, nostalgic football simulation. Onion Sports looks at the greatest milestones in the game he created

  • 1948: Sas designs the frustratingly shaky and uncontrolled movements of Electric Football players to provide the perfect foreshadowing of post-NFL life for most actual players
  • 1958: 14-year-old Jason Goldberg is the first to discover that it feels good to rub up against the field while it's vibrating, leading to a revolution in game strategy
  • 1968: Three different Electric Football players shatter the record for total passes completed in a single game, with two
  • 1977: A skateboarding Snoopy becomes the first McDonald's toy to start for an Electric Football team
  • 1981: Grandma plays for five minutes
  • 1987: First confirmed intentional touchdown
  • 2011: Brian Callahan, 12, finds his dad’s Electric Football game in the attic and spends three hours trying to get the confusing, chaotic old hunk of junk to work correctly before realizing it's actually in mint condition and functioning perfectly
  • 1949-2012: Randomly moving plastic toy football players teach millions of children a valuable lesson about the futility of trying to control one's fate in a constantly shifting universe

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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