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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Great Moments In Pre-Super Bowl Hype

The two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl have devolved into a festival of hype as reporters cast about for any story they can find. Some of the most notable:

1972: Analysts spend several days speculating about what would happen if the Cowboys' Tom Landry coached the entire Super Bowl without his hat

1977: Free chips and salsa

1984: The entire week before Super Bowl XVIII is dedicated to the roman numeral "V," which celebrates its last appearance in the big game for six years

1995: John Madden is shot out of a cannon each day until the Super Bowl arrives

1999: Chris Berman sets a record by mentioning the Super Bowl 12 times in one sentence

2003: Festivities are cut short when Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden's face suddenly contorts into a spastic scowl, but alert emergency workers manage to rush to his side and cut away his blood-restricting visor

2006: After telling his story for the millionth time, Jerome Bettis finally breaks down and admits both that he's not from Detroit, and that he actually won a couple of Super Bowls back in the '90s that he just never told anyone about

2009: The media desperately tries to bill Super Bowl XLIII as Ken Whisenhunt going up against the team that killed his wife and children

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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