adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Great Moments In Pre-Super Bowl Hype

The two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl have devolved into a festival of hype as reporters cast about for any story they can find. Some of the most notable:

1972: Analysts spend several days speculating about what would happen if the Cowboys' Tom Landry coached the entire Super Bowl without his hat

1977: Free chips and salsa

1984: The entire week before Super Bowl XVIII is dedicated to the roman numeral "V," which celebrates its last appearance in the big game for six years

1995: John Madden is shot out of a cannon each day until the Super Bowl arrives

1999: Chris Berman sets a record by mentioning the Super Bowl 12 times in one sentence

2003: Festivities are cut short when Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden's face suddenly contorts into a spastic scowl, but alert emergency workers manage to rush to his side and cut away his blood-restricting visor

2006: After telling his story for the millionth time, Jerome Bettis finally breaks down and admits both that he's not from Detroit, and that he actually won a couple of Super Bowls back in the '90s that he just never told anyone about

2009: The media desperately tries to bill Super Bowl XLIII as Ken Whisenhunt going up against the team that killed his wife and children

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close