Great Moments In Pre-Super Bowl Hype

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Great Moments In Pre-Super Bowl Hype

The two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl have devolved into a festival of hype as reporters cast about for any story they can find. Some of the most notable:

1972: Analysts spend several days speculating about what would happen if the Cowboys' Tom Landry coached the entire Super Bowl without his hat

1977: Free chips and salsa

1984: The entire week before Super Bowl XVIII is dedicated to the roman numeral "V," which celebrates its last appearance in the big game for six years

1995: John Madden is shot out of a cannon each day until the Super Bowl arrives

1999: Chris Berman sets a record by mentioning the Super Bowl 12 times in one sentence

2003: Festivities are cut short when Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden's face suddenly contorts into a spastic scowl, but alert emergency workers manage to rush to his side and cut away his blood-restricting visor

2006: After telling his story for the millionth time, Jerome Bettis finally breaks down and admits both that he's not from Detroit, and that he actually won a couple of Super Bowls back in the '90s that he just never told anyone about

2009: The media desperately tries to bill Super Bowl XLIII as Ken Whisenhunt going up against the team that killed his wife and children


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