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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Great Moments In Randy Moss' Career

Randy Moss became a Titan this week following yet another unusual incident in a career that's been full of them. For example:

  • 1992: In just one day, gifted high school sophomore Moss letters in football, baseball, basketball, and track, and is subsequently kicked off all those teams
  • 1995: Does the only thing you really can do as a redshirt freshman: smoke marijuana
  • 1995: Sets a bad tone for his football career by officially being too fucked up even to play for Florida State
  • 1998: Commissioner Tagliabue says, "Christ, are we really letting this guy into the league?" before announcing that the Vikings have drafted Moss
  • 2005: Moss joins the Oakland Raiders, which is the only logical thing that has ever happened in the history of both Moss and the Oakland Raiders
  • 2005: Even though he was no longer with the team, you know he had something to do with the Vikings' sex boat incident
  • 2007: Moss signs with the Patriots, saying, "I think Bill Belichick is the kind of coach who can motivate me, but I don't really know, because I don't know what that is even like"
  • 2008: Forms Randy Moss Motorsports, a NASCAR Truck Series team infamous for not driving good routes and giving up on the race if they are beaten off the line
  • 2010: After the Vikings cut Moss, the 0-7 Bills decide not to claim Moss off waivers in an effort to prevent their season from getting any worse

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