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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Great Moments In Randy Moss' Career

Randy Moss became a Titan this week following yet another unusual incident in a career that's been full of them. For example:

  • 1992: In just one day, gifted high school sophomore Moss letters in football, baseball, basketball, and track, and is subsequently kicked off all those teams
  • 1995: Does the only thing you really can do as a redshirt freshman: smoke marijuana
  • 1995: Sets a bad tone for his football career by officially being too fucked up even to play for Florida State
  • 1998: Commissioner Tagliabue says, "Christ, are we really letting this guy into the league?" before announcing that the Vikings have drafted Moss
  • 2005: Moss joins the Oakland Raiders, which is the only logical thing that has ever happened in the history of both Moss and the Oakland Raiders
  • 2005: Even though he was no longer with the team, you know he had something to do with the Vikings' sex boat incident
  • 2007: Moss signs with the Patriots, saying, "I think Bill Belichick is the kind of coach who can motivate me, but I don't really know, because I don't know what that is even like"
  • 2008: Forms Randy Moss Motorsports, a NASCAR Truck Series team infamous for not driving good routes and giving up on the race if they are beaten off the line
  • 2010: After the Vikings cut Moss, the 0-7 Bills decide not to claim Moss off waivers in an effort to prevent their season from getting any worse

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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