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Sports

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Great Moments In The Histories Of The Steelers and Packers

They are two of the league's premier franchises and have given football some of its most memorable moments. We look at some of the best.

STEELERS

  • 1940: The Steelers become the first NFL team to officially like black people
  • 1972: In what will become known as the "Immaculate Reception," Franco Harris grabs the ball by his fingertips just as it's about to hit the ground, runs it into the end zone, and gives birth to the second coming of Christ
  • 1976: Lynn Swann makes a diving catch in Super Bowl X that's just a little too hard to describe right here
  • 1997: Jerome Bettis barrels through the Bengals' defensive line for a 6-yard gain

PACKERS

  • 1919: The Packers shatter the previous professional football record by playing two consecutive games
  • 1967: Packers win the Ice Bowl after QB Bart Starr becomes the last player on the field not to freeze to death
  • 1968: Vince Lombardi instills in his players the idea to carry him off the field if they win the Super Bowl
  • 2010: Everything shitty that happened to Brett Favre

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