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Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Great Moments In The Lakers-Celtics Rivalry

The 2010 NBA Finals will feature the most storied rivalry in professional basketball. We take look at everything these legendary teams have shared.

  • 1959: The Celtics quickly win the series in four games after the shy Lakers mill around the basket and refuse to leave their side of the court
  • 1962: Setting an NBA Finals record that still stands, Celtics center Bill Russell grabs 40 rebounds in the opening game of the series while missing on 40 consecutive scoring attempts
  • 1968: The rivalry heats up and the Lakers put forth their best effort in years thanks to a team loaded with undercover FBI agents monitoring the Black Panthers' influence in the NBA
  • 1969: The Celtics beat the Lakers for the seventh time in seven NBA championship meetings, causing many to wonder if this is actually a "rivalry" or more of a "situation in which one team beats another team over and over and over again"
  • 1984: The NBA finally sheds its image as a league of black drug addicts as Larry Bird leads the Celtics to victory, establishing the NBA as a league of creepy-looking chinless ground-bound drips
  • 1987: Larry Bird momentarily forgets about the rivalry, dishing the ball to an open Magic Johnson, fiercely guarding Kevin McHale, and repeatedly elbowing Robert Parish in the head
  • 1988: Lakers forward James Worthy scores 36 points, 10 assists, and 16 rebounds in Game 7 of the Finals against the Detroit Pistons, so never mind

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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