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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Great Olympic Moments From The Lesser-Known Sports

Some of the greatest achievements in Beijing didn't happen on the track or in the pool. Onion Sports looks at notable stories from the less popular events:

China wins gold medals in every table tennis event at the breathtaking $120 million Basement Stadium

Dressage rider Anky van Grunsven and her horse Salinero earn the gold medal by winning over judges with an old-school hip-hop breakdancing routine

An epic nail-biting triple-overtime gold-medal game is halted with the score tied at 15 all as the British men's handball team and the Brazilian men's volleyball team finally realize their mistake

Tragedy strikes during the 20 km race walk when Portugal's Susana Feitor strolls out of control, crashes into a wall, and bursts into flames

Predictably, U.S. women once again sweep the 100 Ways To Please Your Man event

Sailing gold medalist Tom Ashley catches a big gust and accidentally circumnavigates the globe

112-year-old coach Busby Berkeley leads the United States to another flawless synchronized swimming routine

The Romanian rowing team's coxswain, upset with a mistimed stroke, gets up from his trireme's stroke drum and whips the rear bowside to death

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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