Great Olympic Moments From The Lesser-Known Sports

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Great Olympic Moments From The Lesser-Known Sports

Some of the greatest achievements in Beijing didn't happen on the track or in the pool. Onion Sports looks at notable stories from the less popular events:

China wins gold medals in every table tennis event at the breathtaking $120 million Basement Stadium

Dressage rider Anky van Grunsven and her horse Salinero earn the gold medal by winning over judges with an old-school hip-hop breakdancing routine

An epic nail-biting triple-overtime gold-medal game is halted with the score tied at 15 all as the British men's handball team and the Brazilian men's volleyball team finally realize their mistake

Tragedy strikes during the 20 km race walk when Portugal's Susana Feitor strolls out of control, crashes into a wall, and bursts into flames

Predictably, U.S. women once again sweep the 100 Ways To Please Your Man event

Sailing gold medalist Tom Ashley catches a big gust and accidentally circumnavigates the globe

112-year-old coach Busby Berkeley leads the United States to another flawless synchronized swimming routine

The Romanian rowing team's coxswain, upset with a mistimed stroke, gets up from his trireme's stroke drum and whips the rear bowside to death


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