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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Great Players' Worst Games

Even the great ones have off days, as Tom Brady found out against the Bills. Onion Sports lists the worst games of the very best.

  • Michael Jordan: Baseball
  • Tom Brady: Tried to play through a nasty virus that makes your arm throw a bunch of interceptions
  • Arnold Palmer: Took him a whole 284 shots to get his first Masters win
  • Warren Moon: Fumbled a record five times in one game, a performance so bad the Houston Oilers don't even exist anymore
  • Willis Reed: In biggest game of his life, only scored two baskets, then went ahead and acted like he did something special anyway
  • Brett Favre: That playoff game where he threw a game-ending interception
  • Muhammad Ali: During the famous Rumble in the Jungle, Ali seemed to let George Foreman beat the living hell out of him for some reason

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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