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Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Great Players' Worst Games

Even the great ones have off days, as Tom Brady found out against the Bills. Onion Sports lists the worst games of the very best.

  • Michael Jordan: Baseball
  • Tom Brady: Tried to play through a nasty virus that makes your arm throw a bunch of interceptions
  • Arnold Palmer: Took him a whole 284 shots to get his first Masters win
  • Warren Moon: Fumbled a record five times in one game, a performance so bad the Houston Oilers don't even exist anymore
  • Willis Reed: In biggest game of his life, only scored two baskets, then went ahead and acted like he did something special anyway
  • Brett Favre: That playoff game where he threw a game-ending interception
  • Muhammad Ali: During the famous Rumble in the Jungle, Ali seemed to let George Foreman beat the living hell out of him for some reason

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