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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Great Recent Stories From Less-Popular Sports

Not every sport is as renowned as baseball or as popular as soccer, but every sport has its great moments. Onion Sports recaps some of the best recent stories from some less-popular sports:

The normally bucolic game of cricket is suddenly thrust into the forefront of international affairs when Julia Roberts is spotted in the stands at a game

Every single girl on a U.S. high-school wrestling team gets a write-up in their local paper

In an effort to increase fan interest in their sport, the World Chess Federation introduces a series of exciting new rules changes, including the removal of two entire rows to speed up matches, and allowing pawns to move an unlimited amount of spaces in any direction

The women's college field-hockey championship game is called off when someone hits the ball into the woods and no one can find it

A woman bowler participates in a Men's PBA Tour event, and infuriates them by tossing the ball haphazardly onto the alley, letting it roll slowly down the middle of the lane with just enough force to knock all the pins over, then acting like she never got a strike before, 13 times in a row

Following their Davis Cup victory, the tennis world is disturbed when doubles partners/brothers Mike and Bob Bryan engage in a long, passionate kiss

The International Archery Federation reports that deaths among competitors' children are reduced by 89% when they drop their sponsorship deal with a major apple-growing conglomerate

In a quiet but significant triumph for everyone who values sports, wakeboarding just sort of disappears

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